I'm Going for A Run

This is what I heard as Anastasia was going outside yesterday, and she was very serious. She ran up and down the driveway till she fell and got a bloody lip. About 4months ago she asked me if she'd ever be able to run. I answered her honestly, I didn't know. Her therapist didn't know either, there really is no telling how well her brain will end up connecting her muscles. CP is so complex, and thanks be to God, our bodies are miraculous, and our brain can create new pathways.
Anastasia didn't cry about her bloody lip, she came into the house smiling, "Mom, I fall down, my lip is bleeding, I was running, did you see me"
There were two muscles Anastasia could not control on her own, that she now can, she could not move her foot up and down (ankle movement) and she could not pull her leg up while laying on her belly, like if you were laying on your belly and pulled your foot up to your butt. (sorry only way I know how to explain it)She can now do both of those things, not as easily or as well as you or I, but she can! The next step was to get her to stop using her arms to try to walk and to get her to activate her hips on her own. When we walk we use our hips, she was not, she would curl her arms up, arch her back out, pushing her chest foward. I cannot tell you how many times, I have said "arms down, chest down, walk with your legs not your arms" I doubted myself as a mother all the time. I felt like all I did was nag at her, maybe I should just let her be, she is just a child. And I was tired of hearing myself nag.
Several weeks ago, her therapist and I made the decision to take her out of her braces. The braces had become a toy, she would lean on them, etc... and was falling because of it. And most of all I thought they were creating more bad habits, we didn't need anymore of those. Her gait didn't get any better after that, and it seemed like she was not trying, her chest stuck out farther and when I asked her to correct herself she rarely tried. I did notice that she wasn't dragging her toes hardly at all. She would straighten her leg out after it hit the ground and her foot would hit flat all at one time, making a THWACK sound.
So fast foward to Monday night, we were at the mall, ( I love the mall during Christmas) and whenever we were on hard floor, you would hear us coming, THWACK< THWACK. We kindly asked her to control her feet and set them down gently, THWACK< THWACK. I could tell Gary's nerves were grinding, and so were mine. (it's the truth,sorry) So I stood behind her my hands on her shoulders (I have done this whole thing before, to no avail) "Anastasia, pick up her leg, just a little, now straighten your leg and put it down ON YOUR HEEL first, small steps. I stayed with her for 2 steps then she walked away to Daddy who was ahead of us. As quiet as can be, heels first, arms down, upper body relaxed!! I can't explain how I felt at that moment, our mouths fell open and then we started rejoicing. She was so proud, and she should be.
She is learning to run, her hips working to put her feet down foward, miraculous. So, yes, baby girl you will be able to run.
Her therapist was as surprised and happy as we were.
Anastasia has never been happier. She loves to practice running, she runs all over the house. Imagine never being able to hurry, to rush, so move quickly then all of a sudden you can. She loves it, she feels like she is running fast as lightening. And it's akward and so darn cute.

Just a little Anastasia Cheer

Only the other Russia Moms will get the true humor in this story. But the other day as we were riding in the car, Anastasia, points at the tights on her legs and asks, "Why in Russia they make me wear these everyday?" "Well, they thought you were always cold." She looks at me like I'm crazy-------"Well, I'm NOT always cold."

Yesterday we were at the mall shopping for shoes for her. When I finally found a pair that worked and were the right size and told her we could buy them, she said, "You make my feelings good Mama, thank you!"
P.S. She needed new shoes because she doesn't wear her braces anymore!!!

We took the kids to a local event called "Walk Through Bethleham" She has so many questions about Jesus, and I try to answer her questions, but her lack of vocabulary and sometimes just her lack of wordly experience and what reality is and isn't, I can tell a lot of it is not making sense to her. I explained to her that we would be going to see what it was like when Jesus was here on earth, a long long time ago.
So we pull into the church where the event takes place and her mouth drops open and she looks sooooooo serious and she looks at me and says, "This is where Jesus lives?"
Then as we are walking through, they have different shops set up like a marketplace setting, animals, etc... And she wants to know how the animals have lived there so long, and who takes care of all the shops, etc... I repeatedly tell her that this is just pretend, like a show, like a movie. She is thinking this stuff has been here since Jesus was here. Finally I think she understands, and we get to the end where they have a live Nativity, and she looks at me and says, "Oh, so, the babys they put in there grow up to be Jesuss" Yes, that is Jesus in plural. (how do you spell that)
Poor thing, I guess I'm not a very good teacher, but we are still plugging along.

Our Family Photo Shoot

My dear friend helped us take family pictures this past weekend, man it is hard to get 3 kids to cooperate! Now I need to get my Christmas cards done, ha!

Happy Birthday!!!

NOT
I'm not real sure how she thought she was going to pull this off since I'm in her classroom every morning. But yesterday morning Anastasia's teacher says something to the effect, "is today's Anastasia's Birthday?" I know the look on my face was very puzzled, why in the world would she think today was her birthday?? According to Mrs. G, Little Ms. Thing had started bragging about her birthday around Dec. 1st, telling them that her birthday is Dec. 8th. Obviously very convincingly so. Since Anastasia was added to the class her birthday was on the chart on the wall, and the teacher had not really thought to double check, I mean every 7 year old knows when their birthday is coming up. Immediatley Anastasia's head goes down. "Anastasia, when is your birthday?" I asked her. "After Christmas", she replied. "When after Christmas?" I asked. See I know she knows exactly when her birthday is, she talks about it constantly. "February", "When in February Anastasia?" "February 2nd Mommy"

The classroom sings if it's your birthday and you get a treat bag from the teacher. I know my daughter and she wanted that attention AND that treat bag. I was so disappointed in her for lying, and for lying for such a selfish reason. Some people think this was cute, I did not. Lying is not something we have had a big problem with so I was surprised by this. Then when we got home and I told her she had to tell me why she did it, not because I didn't know, but because I knew it was important for her to say it. She absolutely refused, she said she was not going to say it becuase she didn't want to get in trouble. She knew the more she refused to say it the bigger the trouble would be, she stuck by the fact that she forgot when her birthday was. Finally she did tell me why she did it.
She didn't have a good morning this morning either. Hopefully when I pick her up from school today she will have had a better day.

Disney Pics Cont...

The one of Gary and the kids that's kinda dark is us waiting to get on The Tower Of Terror, I couldn't even believe Cooper was tall enough to ride it! Cooper and Anastasia were both terrorified by it...then they wanted to do it again, this was the entire families favorite ride.
The boys got to do the Jedi Training Camp, at first Cody wimped out (his shyness got the best of him), then he decided to do it, and since Cooper had already gotten through the line, we had to wait another round, so Cooper graciously let someone go ahead of him and waited another 45 minutes, undoubtedly they will remember this cool experience for a long time. The got lightsaber training by whoever that one guy is, all while wearing a star wars cloke, then they each go to battle Darth Vader one by one, on stage, how cool is that!

Disney Pics

Finally some pics from our vacation. We did a character dinner with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the evil stepsisters, and evil stepmother. The dinner was a hit with all the kids, the evil step sisters and mother were a hoot, so the boys enjoyed the dinner as much as Anastasia. Plus she shares the name of one of the evil stepsisters. Then the Cinderella that was at Magic Kingdom the day before that she met and talked to was the same one at the dinner, and she remembered Anastasia, so Anastasia thought that was the best. Definitly added to the experience!! She loves Cindrella the best.

Sorry

I know the title of my last post says, Disney, Thanksgiving, etc... And all I wrote about was Disney. I had good intentions, but when I went to go attach the pictures for Disney, I couldn't find all the pictures I had downloaded, I'm not feeling great, so I gave up. I'm still not feeling great, so it may be a couple days. Sorry!!

Disney, Thanksgiving, etc..

I know everyone is eager to hear how Disney went. We had a blast! All the kids wanted to do everything, there was not one thing they were scared to ride. There were some things Cooper and/or Anastasia were too short for, but Cody was tall enough for everything. I'm a ride lover, especially roller coasters, and hubby is not, so I enjoyed having someone to go with. By fair the scariest ride was Tower of Terror, I still can't believe all the children went on it....twice. Anastasia sat next to me for that one and part of the ride was dark, but when there was light, the look of terror on that girls face, then she wanted to ride it again!
Anastasia was so excited to meet the Princesses, especially Cinderella, then the next day when we did a character dinner with Cinderella, her step sisters, step mother and Prince Charming, Cinderella had remembered her from the day before!! How cool is that.
The boys waited over an hour to do the Jedi training experience. They only take the first 15 kids in line, and they each get Jedi training, then they get to battle Darth Vader one by one up on stage. How cool is that. Cooper was all about it, Cody almost let his shyness get the best of him, but decided to go at the last minute.
We stayed on a very early schedule, we were in the bed by 9:30 almost every night, and I must say their behavior was great the entire trip.
We got to meet up with same great friends of ours for the day, we used to live by them in FL, and they just happened to be at Disney the same time as us. That was a added bonus to our trip!! It was really great to get to spend some time with them.

6 months

Tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of our becoming Anastasia's legal parents. Our "Gotcha Day" is not until the 22nd, that is the day we took her from the orphanage it is a common adoption term. Man, I wouldn't take them back for the world, but that was one long 6 months!! The progess she has made is phenomenal, the work we have yet ahead of us is great also, but it is unbelievable to look at her and think 6 months ago she did not know English, couldn't write her name, etc...
We will be in Disney World by the end of this week, she has no idea what to expect but she knows it's exciting! Can you just imagine her face when she sees Magic Kingdom, I don't think she probably has ever dreamt of so much fun in her life.

Cats out of the Bag

We went ahead and told the kids about Gary's deployment. Although he's never deployed they have seen some of their close friends' Dads deploy and come back, so I think this helped greatly. These kids don't even like Daddy not being here when they go to bed at night, so this is going to be one long deployment, but we will keep busy, and we'll make it through just fine.
Anastasia didn't react the way I expected, I can usually predict her reactions. But this was an odd one. She found the whole thing kind of amusing I think, then she said, "when I get big, I'm going to break my life" I asked her what that meant, and she replied, "when I'm big and married, I'm going to take my baby and go to another house away from the Daddy" Not sure why this discussion came up, maybe she thinks Daddy is leaving us kind of??? I assured her that was not the case, and that it's really not a good idea to "break your life", that Daddy and I are never going to leave each other, we will be together forever, as long as both of us are alive, and that I will never take my children away from him, it's wrong, it would hurt a lot of people, etc...

I guess after 2 weeks I owe you something

Well, not really. So what has been going on lately. Well, first our renters moved out of the property we own, not something we expected, so we had to make some very quick decisions, after some prayer we both decided to list the house for sale. Easy enough right, except, the house was left with about 10 lbs of dog hair and a horrible dog odor. Not like dog urine, they didn't mistreat the house, but it stinks. 2 professional cleanings, about 7 hours of cleaning the carpets myself, many many carpet sniffings, we are still not resolved on the issue. The odor has clung to some rooms, and in the mean time, this makes the house unshowable. So 8 days into our double mortgage payment (well technically rent and mortgage) we have still not been able to show the house.
We made the decision to ask our renters to move out a month early becuase we realized the house was not showable with them in it. This was a good decision, because the lease was up DEc1 and Gary is due to deploy shortly after that, and I would have hated for his last days here to have been us dealing with this.
Speaking of his last days here, I was kind of keeping it hush hush, but really, I need to whine, he is due to leave very, VERY, soon after Christmas, so soon that we pray it does not turn into before Christmas. And he will be gone 6 months, it just really hit me several days ago. We haven't told the kids yet, we want to wait till after our Disney trip, the Disney trip that we don't have the heart to cancel even though we can't afford it since our house no longer has tenants in it. Our Wii is broken, we tried everything online that it said to do, to no avail. I got $168.00 speeding ticket, yes the officer said I was going 53 in a 35, Cooper was in the back seat screaming that he has to go to the bathroom, I guess that is why I did not notice how fast I was going. And by the time the leisurely officer wrote my ticket the child had pooped his pants, so in addition to a speeding ticket I had a poopy 5 year old. My boys behavior has been way out of sorts, not listening, hitting each other, just being mean. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, and my husband is about to deploy, so somehow I've got to think of a way to be a better parent, despite the fact that we are about to be down 50% on the parentage in this house. The kids are going to really stress out when they find out Gary is deploying. Anastasia and Cooper had a conversation out of nowhere the other morning, in which he said people who go to war to fight and die, and Anastasia said the people in Russia told her that the Mommies stay home while the Daddies go to fight. Great!!! We are blessed that my husband couldn't be in much more of a "safer" position over there, but really.
I'm sorry, that was a whine fest, but I got it out. The monetary stuff, is just that, only money, and I am grateful on a day that my biggest worry is a speeding ticket and not a sick loved one or something of that sort. But really sometimes a girl just needs to whine. I promise by the next time I post I will have gathered my senses and I will have something more useful to you than some whining.

My Commenter Wendy

Even though I don't know her, Wendy is my #1 commenter, never afraid to say what her thoughts on the situation are. And I love her for it. I love other people's perceptive on things. She had commented that maybe Anastasia acted out at the PP report because we had told her the report was going to Russia, and maybe if she acted out we would send her back. It's funny that she suggested that, because that's exactly what I suggested to my husband. I don't think her actions were thought through, and I don't think she really wants to go back, I had forgot about the appointment until 2 hours beforehand, so she didn't have much forwarning.

We got the video of the interview with Anastasia's grandparents interview, but it is not translated yet. That costs more money-that we don't have right now. So there are possibilities of friends who know people who speak Russian helping us out with that. But I did show her the video,some of it. When she saw her grandparents looking at her pictures, she blurted out, "But I can't go back There" I think it was odd to her that her grandparents see her new life, I think she thought for a minute they were going to ask for her back. I assured her that was not the case. That they missed her, but that they were very happy that she had a family.
I only let her see a small part of the video. Her grandfather was weeping, and just repeatedly picked up the pictures from us and kept looking at them over and over. I didn't feel she was ready to see all that. Although we don't know what was said in the video we do know that her grandparents were so thankful that we contacted them, and they were eager to speak with us. I used a translator to call on Friday, I spoke with the grandmother. I kept the converstion basic, once I watch the video I can ask questions. She just thanked me over and over. She said how loving me and my husband looked and that they were so happy that she got a family. That was the just of the conversation. There are several things that we know, that were disappointing. They have no pictures of Anastasia when she young-none. They were all given to her biograndmother after her mother died. And the one picture they sent me of her biomother is the only one the grandparents have.

Same day, still no cute titles

For those of you waiting on the edge of your seat. We did get the "results" back from her family search, and will have contact with her grandfather. Both he and his second wife seem like wonderful people. They wanted to adopt Anastasia but could not for very legit reasons. They truly care for her and care how she is doing.
We did get some pictures, although none of Anastasia as a baby like I had yearned for. Mostly of her grandparents. One of her mother. When I showed it to her, she said, "who is that" It broke my heart. That is not how she remembered her, she looked very young in the picture, maybe even a teenager.

No cute title

I'm too tired to think of a cute title. Today we had our first post placement report, ....that I forgot about until 3:30pm. This is for her 6 month mark, except it needs to be in Russia by 6 months, so we have to do it right after her 5 month mark. It seems like it has been longer than 5 months doesn't it??
So, the meeting went great, our social worker is a joy. Anastasia decided to show out while she was here. Whining and complaining that her brothers didn't want to play with her, that she had nothing to do, that she was bored, that she wanted dessert, on and on. I think the meeting took 30 minutes-if that. She asked for dessert about 6 times, even though we told her not until we were done. She knows better, she was testing us. Then when I told her to come sit by me, she looked right at me and refused, both Gary and I. Not once, but 3 or 4 times. I held my ground, and she came and sat by me, and continued to pout, whine, etc... Not usually what she acts like in front of others. I told her the meeting was so that Russia would know how she was doing. Not sure why she acted that way. I didn't dole out a punishment but I talked to her about how she thought she looked to the social worker. That I had told the social worker what a good girl she was, and then she acted like that. We talked about the meaning of the word rude.

Wheez??

You know as in, "Anastasia go tell your brother it's time to eat." And in response she says, "wheez?" or "Anastasia go get your white and black bow for your hair." "OK Mommy, wheez?"

Wheez has been her abbreviation for "where is it" or "where is he" really any thing that has to do with where? There are many things she says that only make sense to us, you know kind of like when you have a toddler. We don't correct her grammar hardly at all becuase I feel like we are constantly correcting other things, school work, the way she walks, the way she sits, blah blah blah. But I told Gary we really need to choose several things to work on when it comes to language. And as cute as it is, wheez has got to go. And it is just like having a toddler, you correct them, then you miss them saying it. There are several things she used to say that we miss so much, but others cannot understand her.

For several weeks she was adding part onto all sorts of sentences. Like, "Mommy, can I have that part" Except there is no part, she just picks up a phrase and uses it. I let it go for a while, I explained what the word part meant. Finally I said, "OK, you may never ever use the word part EVER again!"

Now I have noticed that instead of just saying "there" she says "right there". This morning she wanted a bowl for her snack. When she went to get one, she came back and said, "right there doesn't have any bowls."

Too stinkin cute

Hello Wendy...Ummmm

OK, this is a little bit funny, OK pretty funny. I have a dear friend from Church named Wendy. I have been getting comments from a Wendy pretty often. I know that Wendy from church reads my blog, so I thought they were from her. So today I send her an invite to lunch and to say thanks I love all the comments you leave on my blog. Hahahaha, only to get an email back saying that she has never left a comment, although she reads my blog. OOPS!! I have even replied back to "Wendy" thinking it was the Wendy from church.

So, embarrassingly I have to ask, Wendy do I know you. I think you are a follower of my blog that I do not know personally. But if I do actually know you in "real" forgive me.

---I have many friends whom I have met online, through blogs, etc... Fellow adoptive Moms or CP Moms, some who are just as dear to me and just as huge blessings as "real" friends whom I know in the flesh----

And Wendy whomever you are thank you for taking the time to leave me a comment. I seem to have lots of traffic from many states and countries but hardly any comments, so Thank you!!!!

PE and Carousels Make Me Cry

So, my last post was Saturday Morning. Saturday afternoon's excersises and stretches went GREAT!!! I know this is due to our new change in scenery when it comes to her PT. Afterwards she said, "I can wear my earrings?" Haha, I had bought these really cute clip on earrings for her as an incentive. She wants her ears peirced but we are waiting for her birthday. I bought them about a month ago, the deal was, if she does a good job on her PT that day, then she gets to wear them. Well, she has gotten to wear them 2x in the past month. She had not even asked for them lately, because she knew what the answer would be. Sunday's PT was horrible again, crying, screaming, "Mommy why you like to hurt me, stop it, stop it" Those are just a few of her favorites!! I have also been scratched, and she has tried to bite me once. I can tell you that there is no difference in what I am doing or the intensity of it, it's all in her attitude. She knows that, and has claimed it, which is a great step towards making it better. Yesterday she did great again. I can tell you that having 2great days so close together has never happened before, and it has been great. Not only because she progresses so much faster, I don't get assualted, etc... But since there are no temper flaring or punishments to serve, I actually get to just enjoy her. There are so many fun things I want to do with her or show her, but I can't when the day has been preceded with scratching, refusal to work, etc...

Saturday we took the kids to a little festival on base. She loved it. I have not seen her smile that big in a while. She had never ridden a carousel before, it made my eyes well up with tears to see how happy she was. I mean what kid hasn't ridden on a carousel. She also rode one of those spinny rides with Cody, she was smooshing him cause she was sitting on the inside, she was laughing so hard. She is also doing PE now, sometimes on her own, sometimes I go. That made me cry too.

The searcher is supposed to have the meeting today with her grandfather. Actually due to the time difference, it should have already happened.

Training (and training.. and.. training) a Child in the Way They Should Go

SO, where have I been you ask? Refer back to the title of this post. First of all Anastasia is doing great. No, that's not a she's doing great, everything is perfect, I mean she is doing great considering.
First of all in school- She is catching up quickly
Lack of vocabluary holds her back in some situations, she can't comprehend quick enought to act as quickly as the other children. Part of this is due to lack of comprehension the other part is due to her not paying attention.
Math is going great, she picks it up quickly, she can do addition, subtractions, up to number 10 and sometimes above, she can count by 5 and 10s, which I was not expecting yet. She is starting to memorize money and their values, this is proving to be more difficult for her.
REading is harder than math for her but she is still doing good in it. She knows all the sounds of the letter and can sound out small words, she is learning sight words and does well on her reading comprehension tests, although we are still doing the most simple of books, she is doing better and better.
Almost all of her difficulties come from her not paying attention, talking, etc.. She has had her seat moved, which was needed and has helped. People still baby her, teachers, students and parents alike. At this point I'm not sure why. I mean there is a reason she is not in in special ed, she is normal cognitively, but that is not how people treat her. Her teacher is holding her accountable for her actions, and I hope everyone else will get used to her and follow suit, becuase her being the center of attention all the time is not helping her behavior one bit. And I've never known a strong person who got that way by others babying them.
Overall in things other than PT I would say things are going much better than to be expected. PT is torture. I work with her everyday. Her and Gary clash and nothing gets done when he tries to work with her, although this is improving some. PT is full of nothing but self pity, anger, whining, acting out, crying, drama, etc... I know why, I mean she has never had to do anything before she came to us. It's not like any other child with CP who has had this their whole life. But this is beyond that, unfortunely part of her personality. She does not want to work, she does not care if she gets better or worse, if she never had to work again and that meant she couldn't walk, she would be fine with that. There is no self motivation, only self pity. I work and work to instill in her pride about the improvements she has made so far. She sees the evidence, but truly hates to work physically in any way shape or form. Do I sound harsh? Yes, is it the truth? Yes. Was I hoping things would turn around so I wouldn't have to do this post? Yes. Have I given up? No, no, no.

Last week I got a blessing, we got in at the PT clinic here in town. And she has started with a new therapist 2x a week. This therapist is on the same page as me, and is not babying Anastasia. This is a blessing to me because I was the only person holding Anastasia accountable, I was the bad guy all the time. Especially since her old therapist hardly made her do anything and she babied her. Now Anastasia sees that she really does have to work, not only for Mommy. And it takes some of the guilt off of me, I mean this is not fun. I tried to make it fun with prizes, silliness, etc.. None of this helped.
Just this week I found shoes that fit over her afos, that are much less bulky than her other shoes, she is able to walk smoother in them, and also able to sit criss cross apple sauce in them. Well I was observing her in class on Thursday and she was sitting on the floor with everyone else for a lesson. I told her to sit criss cross applesauce, she had done it on her own all during PE the day before without realizing it. So I tell her to do it, no big deal. She just looked at me. So got down on the floor in front of her and told her again, still calm. She just looks at me and smirks. I tell her one more time, then I tell her not to come out to the hall so we can talk. She says sitting that way hurts her booty, hmm, didn't hurt yesterday in PE. And besides she hadn't even tried, she was just plain defiant. So I tell her she will have a punishment to serve when we get home, when Mommy tells you to do something just to not do it is not an option. Well to make a point she went right back into that classroom and did not sit the way I told her to.
Why is this so hard. I mean when she has music and PE and is able to dance like the other children, on her own, something she couldn't do before, she gets a huge smile on her face, she is happy. When she can bend her knees and jump, just barely getting her little feet off the ground, she is so excited. She wants to do what the other children are doing. But if it gets her attention to not do it, she would rather take that road. I don't understand it. But I'm not giving up. I want her to be successful, happy, motivated, all that she can be. Not to sound corny. I don't want her to grow up to be self absorbed, self pitying, just waiting for someone to enable her. We all know people like that. Are they your true friends? Do they love God or do they hate them for the situations they are in? Are they self reliant?
If she ends up like that my heart will break. So right now we are training, training, training, and training this child in the way she should go.

Birthfamily Search cont...

We recieved news today that the searcher in Russia has an appointment with her Grandfather in 10 days. That her grandfather is gathering family photos and is very excited. We could not ask for better results so far, we are so excited for her!!
Our priority is for her to have a photo of her birthmother and of course we would love to have some pictures of when she was smaller.
So, we eagerly await. If you pray, please pray over this appt. we want Anastasia to know as much as possible about her birth family, some details may not be appropriate for her now, but contact with her grandfather and a photo of her birthmother would be priceless.

Video Help Please!

I have tried many times to upload video using the video upload button, but it has never worked for me. How long does it usually take to upload video? Do I need to do something else?

Help me

Worst Punishment Ever

So since she cut her hair, I was not going to reward her by taking her to the salon like I had planned. So she got a home haircut ala Mom.

What is an AFO?

These are pictures of Anastasia's AFOs, they had many different patterns to choose from, and in her defense the butterflies truly were the cutest. This week they will add hinges so she can bend at the ankle. She needed to build a little strength first.

The Trues

We had our first little lesson in truth and lies today. This was Anastasia's first complete day without me at school. Cody woke up with a sore throat. Gary took the younger 2 to school so I could stay with Cody and get him to the doctors. The last time she had most of the day at school to herself, she choose not to eat any of her sandwich at lunch and only at the snacks and dessert, then told the teacher she had no snack, haha, testing the reigns of independence and freedom of choice.
So overall it seems her first day totally without me went great. Until my eyes settled on her pretty little face and noticed that there was a chunk of hair missing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen we have a hair cutter!! Honestly I felt a little honored I mean as a boy Mom I may have never gotten to deal with this, but it seems every little girl deals her hand into a little hair chopping.
So I figured I'd give her a chance to out herself. My first thought was, well maybe she has no clue that this would not be acceptable. So I asked her, "Did you cut your hair" Of course she said no. "Mmm, I think you did, look at that piece right there."
At this point her teacher asked her, I mean that's who she owed the truth to really, it was on her clock that she cut her hair! And out came a big old creative whopper out of my precious daughter's mouth. " I was cutting a paperwork and I cut my hair, I not mean to" Her teacher expressed to her that she hoped she was telling the truth because if not she would have to take her scissors away from her like she does the other children when they do something they shouldn't with their scissors. But that was her story and she was sticking to it!! I even let her know that if she told me the truth that the punishment would be little but if she told me another lie that it would be big, and she choose to stick by her lie.
How I wished she had told the truth because I missed her while she was away all day, that is the longest I've been away from her. I just wanted to kiss her squishy cheeks I didn't want to have to deal out punishments and teach a lesson on telling the truth.
So when we got home she choose to stay by her lie, and laugh about it! Oh boy!
So she got 2 punishments, one was writing her teacher a letter to apologize.
And of course we had a long talk about lies and truth. Due to the language barrier, lies were explained as fake, and truth is what really happened. I know she knew that cutting her hair was wrong, she hid the evidence! She admitted to that. However it seemed to me she did not understand how wrong lying really is. Lying is a federal offense in my house, DO NOT DO IT!
Before bed she told me she did not want to make bad choices anymore and can I please tell her how to stop. I told her what a good girl she is (she truly is) and that sometimes we make bad choices, everyone, and that we need to try harder, and next time she needs to tell me the truth no matter what. I explained to her that God wants us to make good choices and when we don't he gets sad. I have to tread God lessons lightly because she is having a hard time understanding. She asked if I could lay in bed with her and talk because she had lotsa lotsa trues to tell me.
We love laying in bed talking. We used to do it so much more before school started.
I think saddly she learned something today that maybe has not been reinforced in her before.

Pictures I Took Forever Ago and Never Posted

One of my goals this week is to catch up on picture posting. I took these several months ago, I know pitiful. But I love them and wanted to share them with you. They really do look related by blood, and in the pictures you can truly tell that they are related in their hearts.

Just Waiting to Pull the Plug

So today Russia came up again.
She said under her breath, "I want to go see Russia soo bad",,,"I mean, never mind"
Me-, "I am excited to go visit Russia with you when you get bigger too, it will be so much fun"
Her, "I'm not being mean Mommy, me not hurting your feelings"
Me, "I know baby"

Her, "I KNOW (like she has got the best idea that will solve the entire returning to Russia issue), when you die I can go back to Russia"
Me, "Well, you will probably be an adult when Mommy dies"
Her, "OK"
Me, "So what would you do there"
Her, "I would live"
Me, "with who"
Her, "the Desky Dom"
Me, "You cannot live at the Desky Dom, they are for children, and your Desky Dom is for children who are younger than 8, so you could not live there"
Her, "I will work then and make money."
Me, "if you work there you will have to learn Russian again"
Her, "Oh, OK, I mean, maybe not, I don't know"

Me, "What about Daddy, Cody, and Cooper, they will be big, but they would miss you"
Her, "Mommy, I'm not trying to be mean"

Me, "I know" (In my head, "that is why it is so sad")
Me, "How about if you go there for a couple days, stay in a hotel, visit, then you can come back"
Her, "OK, maybe"
Me, "Can I come with you, I really loved Russia and I would love to visit it again."
Her, "Sure"

It would be so much easier if she were yelling these things at me because she was mad about doing her homework. Do you understand?

We are stressing over and over again, in many ways, books being one of them. That we love her forever, she is stuck with us forever, she is our daughter forever.

Even in a conversation unrelated to Russia, she said something about when she grows up and gets married she will miss me. After conversation I realized she thinks that would mean I am all done being her Mommy. She thinks us Mommies are temporary, why wouldn't she? Breaks my heart.

Some people misunderstood my last post about attachment. I was not saying look at all we've done for her and see how ungrateful she is, I am saying look at all we've done for her and she does not understand we love her yet. We do not feel as if we "saved" Anastasia. We added her to our family. Because her special needs are of a huge focus and take a lot of work sometimes I think this is how it seems to some people, understandably. I have come to realize in the past several weeks that she has very little understanding what a family is. How long with that take? I don't know. And unfortunatly there have been things that were told to her that are making things harder. Such as America made her sick and then she went back to the Desky Dom and made all the other people sick-all America's fault. And someone told her that she must not stay in America because we have pigs that make us sick and she will get sick.

Attachment is complicated, but here is what I think, I think she is attached to us, but I don't think even she understands what that means. I think with time her attachment will normalize and she will understand, but only time will make that happen. Here is what I know, we are attached to her, it is different than attaching to a bio child that you have carried and birthed. It is a different process, fully as special, and more complicated, but an unconditional love for sure.

But on a more comical note, if ever there is someone debating on wether or not to pull my plug, just make sure my daughter has not already booked her flight to Russia.

Bye Bye Casts!!!

We are so excited! Anastasia gets her casts off tomorrow. It was going to be Friday, but they moved it up. We will go in at 8:30 to have them removed, impressions made for the AFOS (leg braces) and then go back t 3:30 to pick up the AFOS.
She is excited but a little scared of the unknown. She will probably relapse some. She has never had to use her ankles before because her tendons were so tight. But within several weeks I expect her to be walking with no walker and much better than she ever has. I will post pictures after she gets her AFOS, as I know several of you still are not sure exactly what I'm talking about.

Holding Out

So I've been holding on posting becuase I couldn't decide if I was going to post about something that had happened. You've probably noticed there's not much I'm shy about posting, I've been very real with you. However you are.
Those of you fanatic adopters probably know all about "attachment" many of us researched it before we adopt, some after, some never, whatever, but at some point it is an issue or a wondering. I wonder if she trusts me, I wonder if she knows what she is saying when she says she loves me,etc... And you know what, I think the children go through the same wonderings. Anastasia still asks sometimes, "Mommy, You I love Me?" Up until last Friday if you had asked me if I thought she was securely attached to us, I would have said yes.
So last Friday we were making up some cards for the orphanage, one of our friends is leaving for their first trip for another little girl from Anastasia's orphanage. They live right down the street, by coincedence, it's not like we have a "Let's adopt from the same orphanage club"
I knew it was going to make for some sort of an issue, because anytime she sees pictures of the little boy "V" she gets very upset. Remember, he's waiting for her, he loves her, etc....
So this brought up the question, "Mommy when I'm bigger I can go back to Russia to visit, right" "Yes Anastasia we will go back and visit, it will be fun"
"Good Mommy, I want to visit the Desky Dom (orphanage) and maybe play for a while."
"Ok, we can do that" I replied
"ACTUALLY, I want to go back now, and not come back, I want to stay in Russia"
She used to say things like that to us, to tease us, and we would tease back, alright we'll go get your suitecase, we'll see you when you get back, etc.... But it's been a while since it came up, because we always talk with her about visiting there later.
Cooper was sitting with us and he got very upset, he jumped up and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You can't go back, I love you"
To which she said, "it's ok Cooper, I will send you a present" At this point she sounded so serious that I thought she must be kidding, (if that makes sense)
I told her I would cry if she went to Russia and never came back, she said "it's Ok Mommy, don't cry" I tried to explain to her that if she stayed in the Desky Dom she would not have a Mommy and Daddy or brothers. She said she knew that, but she still wanted to go back. I wasn't really sure what to make out of all of what she was saying. But we needed to hop in the car and take the cards over to our friends house, so just her and I went, I figured we could talk more on our way home.
Well, we get to our friends house, they open the door, and she shouts out, "Guess what I'm going back to Russia forever!"

THUD......(that was heart)

Me, slightly embarrased, competely heartbroken, "No sweety, we can go back later for a visit, but you cannot go back by yourself, we are my daughter"
Her, "No, it's OK Mommy, I am going"

What the ???????

Our friend was giving us some clothes that would not fit her future daughter, Anasastasia turned to me and said, "why are taking these dressed when I won't be here"

Really, it this happening???

Once we leave there I am about in tears. I explain to her that she really is not going back to Russia for good, that she our daughter forever. She is really mad at me, saying she will send me a present and she will miss me. No really Anastasia, you are making Mommy sad, you are part of our family, you cannot go back to Russia. But I miss my friends Mommy. Yes, I understand that Anastasia, but those friends are not always going to be there, some will get Mommies and Daddies, and some will get older and go to different Desky Doms. She says it's Ok Mommy I still want to go.
By this time, I am so hurt by what seems to be true hard evidence that the child that I have bathed, fed, drove 2 days to have surgery, done physical therapy with everday, spend 24/7 with at school, has not attached to me at ALL!! I mean what else does she need as evidence that we are here for HER, that we love her, that we are dedicated to her. When we come home I tell her to got to her room to think about things for a little while, and that Mommy needs to be by herself for a little while. This was done very kindly, not as a punishment. Gary and I talk about it privately, then call her in. I felt it very important to emphasize 2 things to her, 1. being that we are her Mommy and Daddy forever, just like we are Cody and Cooper's forever and that we love her, and 2. That she hurt my feelings and that I cried. Sounds harsh, but it's reality.
She had no tears. But we eventually got down to the root of the issue at hand.
Her rational is, That children do not die, and parents do.
She said, "If I stay here, you are just going to die"
I can't promise to my children that I'm not going to die, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to die for a very long time. She said, "Ya, when you have white hair you will die, I don't want you to die"
I think most of the attachment issues she is having, it for that very reason, she thinks at any moment I could die, there is no reason to attach to me.
Soon I will seek counseling for her, I think this would be good, and much needed.
She loved life in the Desky Dom, I will never deny that. But she was also happy to leave there, they said they never saw I child so eager to leave.

So everday, both Gary and I throw in a couple extra I love yous, and make an effort to tell her at least once a day, "I am your Mommy forever" or "I am your Daddy forever"

She told me that next day that she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she will never say she wants to leave again. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did and that my feelings were just fine now. And of course, that she is stuck with me forever.

Losing her "Ruskey"

The Russian word for Russian is "Ruskey" and for English is "Englaskey"
Sometimes when I tell her the English word for something I will ask her to tell me the Russian word for it. So today we were going over our shapes, as I was telling her what they were, she was telling me what they were in Russian. Then all of a sudden when I pointed to the triangle, her face went blank. She said, "I don't know because I Englaskey, englaskey, englaskey, and now Ruskey I don't know!"
My poor girl. Everyone had told me around 3-4 months they lose their Russian. She has been home 2.5 months. This is upsetting to her. I told her when she got older we could relearn the Russian.

As her English gets better and better, she is able to tell me more and more about her life in Russian. Most is hard to hear. It is not like having a child from birth that you have been able to protect everyday. She had a totally different life before us. Most of what she shares with me we are keeping private, for her sake, just some things are hers to share when she gets older. But some things I will share, I know there are other adoptive parents reading this blog, searching for information or a sense of what this journey is like. You must prepare yourself that there will be things in their past, things that can effect who they are, their habits, their fears, etc...

Not even 72 hours post op...

and we are off pain meds!!! The timing of her pain meds, (tylenol with Codiene) was off yesterday, so come bedtime it was not anywhere near time for another dose. So I gave her some Jr. Motrin. This morning she "walked" to the bathroom with me holding her upright of course. She said, "mommy today it feels better." I replied, "yes, remember Mommy told you every morning it will be better, until one morning it will not hurt anymore." She said, "well a little better, not so much better" Mmmhmm, girl you are bearing your weight 3 days post op, I would say that is so much better!!
She can now long sit, with her legs straight out in front of her. Miraculous in the world of CP, and when she walks, although she is in casts, her heels touch the ground before her toes, brings tears to my eyes when I see it. We hope to be able to get her a walker today, she has to learn how to walk "normal" her mind and body is not used to it and neither are her muscles. Before she was bouncing off the tight heel chords, not really using her muscles to walk. She is determined to walk, she does not like sitting still.

Surgery Update

The first picture was taken the day after surgery. Those braces she has on are supposed to be warn for the first day then overnight until she is not curling her legs up while sleeping. We only used these braces for the first 9 days I think. Then I tried her without them, and when I went to wake her up her legs were stretched out as straight as a board-sweet success!!!
The second is the same day as surgery. Already you can tell the huge difference she could not sit with her legs straight out in front of her like that at all before. The white cotton on her thighs is covering the "incisions" there. 4 weeks after the surgery you cannot see the incisions at all, but you can see her skin pucker there when she is crawling, we just noticed this, no big deal, what a difference from the traditional method!!
Things went great, as to be expected. Dr. Yngve is the nicest surgeon I have ever met. He let me come back and stay with her till the gas had put her to sleep. This was a huge help becuase when they went to take her in, she started crying. He gives his CP patients a special type of anesthesia that wears off slowly so their muscles don't go into panic spastic mode when they suddenly wake up. She was upset the first couple hours, she wanted an explanation for each and every thing on her body. Over and OVER again. We were back at the hotel around 2:30. Periodically she would get herself worked up over the details like how will she go potty in the middle of night, or how will she play with her toys. They are allowed to start trying to bear weight and walk the next day, and she was all about it. With me holding her up of course. This morning she asked if she could try crawling, so she did that. Overall it is the most motivation I have ever seen in her. She will have her casts on for 4 weeks, then she will have AFOS, which are little leg braces. There is a lot of training to be done with her legs, muscles to be built up, etc... She will probably go to school with a walker at first. She is not happy the boys will start school without her for a week. I had wanted to homeschool her, but she got very upset about that. So we are going to try school. She will be in the first grade, just a grade behind her age. She is a fast learner. Her English is going great. Right now our favorite Anastasiaisms are "Ahh Mam" Anything that has man in it she puts mam in because she says she is a girl not a boy. It is so stinkin cute. She also says peep instead of peed, which is so funny the way she says it.

Friends, Beach, and Surgery, here we come!

We are making a little trip out of her surgery. We will stop in MS to stay with our very dear friends for several days. We were stationed with them in FL and we are so excited to get to spend some time with them, they just happen to be exactly half way to Galveston where A will have her surgery!! Then we will head to Galveston on Monday where we will introduce her to the beach and enjoy some family time before the start of school. I have had many long conversations with her about what is coming, and she seems very well prepared and ready.

This has been a very emotional week. The search for Anastasia's grandfather has opened up some very long conversations with Anastasia. She has shared with me the details of her mother's death. It is tragic and she witnessed it. I can't even type that without tears coming to my eyes for my daughter. She shared with me many other things over the past couple days, things about her life in Russia. Things that are not pretty.
The fact that she is sharing so much so soon is a good sign of her attachment and bonding with me. I feel privilaged that she trusts me so much. And today after we talked she asked if we could pray together, so that "the bad things would go out of her head" (so she would forget them)
We are sparing nothing to find her grandfather, she wants a picture of her "Natasha Mommy" (that's what we call her) She should have that and if she doesn't get it it will be hard for her, not just now but in the future. She crys saying that there were 2 boxes of pictures but they would not let her have them. She is so grown for her age. I do pray so hard for the healing of her mind and heart from these things she has been through and seen.

I had planned to homeschool her for several months, but she insists on going to school. Even though she knows she will have casts on her legs and that she will be put in a classroom with children younger than herself. She still insists on going. So she will probably miss the first week, then if she is walking alright she can go the following week. They did some testing at the school and we don't know yet if she will be in a kindergarten or first grade classroom. They said they know she will catch up so fast, based on what she has learned already, but without the "tests" to prove it they may not be able to place her in first. So we will see.
She has learned so much, she is very smart. And the girl who screamed 2 months ago when I was holding her in the pool can now swim across the pool by herself and even float on her back!! Watching her everyday is amazing.

Official Surgery Plans!

So up until now I have been going back and forth on the surgery. It is a lot making decisions for your child, I want what will be best for her, the VERY best. So after tons of prayer, research, talking with Gary, etc... We have decided to go ahead.
She will have her consultation on the 30th and surgery on the 31st, then we will spend one night there, and head home on the 1st.
I was concerned about our insurance covering the surgery, but the approval came through this morning, and we think they will have to pay travel expenses also. What a blessing to say the least.
If you are a prayer warrior, first of all we pray for her safety, we pray for her understanding that she knows we are doing what is best for her, we pray for her to be motivitated to help herself, she does not like to do her stretches and exercises. I try to explain to her that it is her body, I can stretch it for her, but I cannot build up her muscles for her. She has no self motivation. We are seeing slow improvement in this as she sees that she can accomplish things, such as swimming, standing up on her own, etc...
I have not been able to explain to her that she will not start school with the boys. I think she will be happy to have me to herself during the day. I mean I had Cody for 3 years by himself, and Cooper has had the 3 also while Cody was in school, I think it will help our bonding to have that time together.
She is learning so quickly, we see no signs that she is behind cognitivly. She has a great attention span, and loves to do the work. Her occupational therapist is helping me with a "method" of teaching her to write her letters that I think will help us along.
I'm going to post a lot of pictures in the next couple days, so stay tuned for those!!

My Friend

Today we are traveling north of Atlanta to visit with one of the other little girls from Anastasia's orphanage. She was adopted just months before Anastasia and they are good friends. This will be their first visit since being home. She is so excited. I'll post and let you know how it goes, I am super excited for her.

I'm Here

So after my last post we realized it was not a kidney stone, it was the flu, I was sick for 4 days, then Anastasia was sick for 2 hours, then Gary was sick for 2 days.
Ya, notice that Anastasia was sick for 2 hours, tough cookie, then she was mad that right after she vomited I wouldn't give her chicken nuggets. LOL
At the last minute Gary was able to take off work so we packed up, and drove overnight to Ohio to visit my family. The kids were marvelous in the car, both on the way there and on the way back.
Our visit was great, too short, and crazy busy, but great. Anastasia took to meeting everyone better than we thought she would. She told my Grandma that she was Hannah Montana and proceeded to sing and put on a performance! As always she more to the women, especially my sister and Aunt. On our last day there she turned to my sister and said, "Me, I love you" How precious! Some of her favorite things from the trip: tickles from Aunt Kelly and Uncle Dave, Feeding the fish with Grandma Alice and Papa Joe, Wrestling with Cousin Bryan, Flicking people with my Grandma, Going shopping with Nana Lyn and Aunt Jamie, and the sparklers and fireworks.

Some of my favorite things from the trip:
Her telling my sister she loved her,
Her running into the house exclaiming, "Look Mommy and Daddy at THIS, me found!" It was a pinecone!!
Her declaring she is Supermam, the female version of Superman.
She fell in love with one of my Grandma's dogs, she said the dog has "eyes like babydoll"

It was just a great trip, watching my family fall in love with our wonderful daughter just as quickly as we did. And it was some nice respite for me to have her attention off of me for a bit, I think it refreshed us both.

Oh, and I got to see the "book" my Grandma Alice made of my blog. Oh my goodness, it's huge, I would have never guessed it would be that big all printed out, I should have taken a picture. It was very sweet of her to do that, and everytime I post she prints it out and adds it to the book so my Papa can read it.

"in the morning yous better Mommy, OK?!"

There really is no good title for the past couple of days. On the Anastasia front-she's doing wonderful! No fits the past 3 or 4 days. We even had to make a 3 hour trip to the dentist this past Friday, for Cody, Cooper, and I. She couldn't be seen yet because her insurance doesn't kick in till July 1st. The boys got really cool prizes, and although she was a little disappointed I told her she would have her turn in a couple weeks, and there was no complaints from her. So proud of her behavior. There were even mermaid toothbrushes and plastic tiaras. But she held strong!
Her therapy is going well, to say the least. Either Gary or I stretch er 30 minutes a day, we also do some crunches and "kicks" Her walking is going great, sometimes her right heel almost touches the floor. She is showing more resilience, which is my utmost goal right now. If she does not try and try and believe she can do it than there is no point.

Saturday while out and about at Walmart, I got some sudden pain in my stomach and back, I grabbed the car keys while Gary and the boys checked out, I barely made it to the car, the thought of laying down in the middle of the parking lot crossed my mind. I'm 99% sure it is a kidney stone. I had them 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Cooper. The rest of Saturday was spent in bed, in pain, vomiting, etc... Yesterday I could still feel the pain in my back, though nothing like Saturday, but I slept all day and all night. Today I still feel achey and can still feel the pain in my flanks.

To make things even poopier Gary cannot take leave from work for the 4th to go to Ohio to visit my family. Normally I would just go myself with the kids, but with the threat of that pain coming back I don't know. Cody is heart broken, he looks forward to this trip all year. So earlier today when I could feel the pain my decision was that we were not going without Gary, now that I was able to eat enough to take something for the pain, I think maybe. I don't know, I fear being stuck on the highway with kidney stone pain, with 3 kids by myself, but I am determined, so we will see.

Oh My Goodness, Oh My Gosh

That is her new saying, she says it really dramatic like, and it's pretty cute.
Monday we had our appointment with the Occupational Therapist and Speak Therapist. I think we overwhelmed both of them a bit, but we are going to continue to take her, at least just to keep her used to working with other people. It can still be hard for her to get over her shyness and talk to other people.
After searching we finally found a Physical Therapist with an opening. We told her our situation and she saw us right away. First of all I must say her demeanor with Anastasia was awesome. Anastasia worked pretty willingly with her and was laughind, participating and talking to her. The PT is very experienced and really good at what she does. She however does not think that Anastasia should have the surgery. She had never heard of the surgery and didn't really want to listen to me or read the info I printed out for her. She would rather do therapy, stretching, and medicine. Of course no matter what she will always need therapy and stretching. But those of you who know me know that I researched this tons, (as I do everything). I do not want her on a medicine everyday. Why would I pump her with medicine with nasty side effects and withdrawal when she could have a minimally invasive procedure that could help her in the long run. Me and the PT went back and forth. I already have the surgery scheduled for July 31. After talking with Gary we have decided to stay with the surgery. At our next appt, I will let the physical therapist know that, and see if she is still wanting to work with us. I cannot tell you how many people have posted that their physical therapists were against the surgery until they saw the kids afterwards and were amazed. This was not an easy decision, trust me, decided things for your children is heart wrenching, I just want to do what is best for her now and for the long run.

So one thing the therapist wanted us to work on is Anastasia getting to a standing postition from the floor. When she falls she has to crawl over to something to pull her self up. So if she falls in the middle of the yard, that can make for a long crawl back to the house. So after dinner I did her stretches with her and then told her we needed to work on what the Dr. had showed us. Her initial reaction was what she usually does, flop over, not trying, saying she can't, whining, etc... I told her the Dr. said that she can do this, that her legs are good legs, we have to work hard to learn how to use them though, and that we were not going to have our dessert until she at least tried. (Hey, there's nothing wrong with bribary)
Gary came in and helped us. Before we know it the girl does it!!! I was screaming and clapping. The look on her face was priceless. She showed Cody and he made huge deal. We praised her over and over again. --Then ate ice cream of course----

Then came the storm. It seems like with every emotional event, even when good, something happens in her, and it overstresses her or brings something out. I was on the phone with a friend, telling her about our day and Anastasia's big accomplishments, I was sitting at the computer in my bedroom. She came in and asked if she could use the computer, I told her she could use her computer (we have one for her that we hook up to the TV) She said no she wanted Mommies computer I told her not right now, maybe later when Cody or Cooper could help her. There's this look in her face that happens when she is deciding if she wants to battle or not. Gary came into the bedroom to hook up her computer and she started throwing a fit, she wanted my computer. I told her to go out of my bedroom, and when I was done on the phone we could talk about it. She refused. I told her again, very calmly, she refused. Then she went into full out fit. I got off the phone and took her hand to walk her out of the bedroom, but by that time she was gone emotionally. I carried her to bedroom but she refused to stay in there, full out screaming, kicking, crying.
I told her she did not have to go to bed, that she could play in her room, if she calmed down. She refused. So I went in and dressed her for bed, layed her in her bed and layed down next to her. I could tell this was a fit that she needed to throw, she needed to get it out, so what I do (I had to do this once before. I lay next to her with my leg over her, not touching her but if she trys to sit up it stops her. She screamed and yelled, twisted, and begged. The sound of it is really horrendous. She was screaming that Cody and Cooper were not going to bed yet (it was about 8:30, bedtime is usually 9-9:30) She has seen each of the boys go to bed early once for not behaving. She knew that was why she was being put to bed, but it still felt so unfair to her. The whole thing lasted about 1.5 hours, not all fit. I explained over and over again what she did wrong, and she told me how unfair it was. I let her speak and she let me speak. She had other things she talked about, such as how unfair it was that I hadn't let her buy anymore purses. She has 7, I think. So we did a lesson in money I got change and showed her that when we buy something, I have to pay and sometimes the money is all gone. And that purses, clothes, toys, are fun, but first we have to pay for house, lights, water, car, food, etc... She said Daddy works, works, works, so we should have enough money for more purses.
I told her she should be thankful for what she has, some girls have no purses. Entitlement is a feeling that comes easy!! I want her to know she can voice her opinion, but that certain actions get punished, and that Mommy and Daddy are in charge. We talked for a long time, and it ended well, but boy was I tired!

Hey, go find your own Mommy

We just got done with a fun filled few days with Papaw, Gary's Dad came for a short visit. While here we took the kids to the pool. She is still doing great in the water, swimming better and better. While there a man came up to us and was telling us how his step daughter had mild CP, and now she is doing great, she was there with him, she is 9. It was very sweet of him to offer their story, and to offer us encouraging words. The Mom was at work, and he was there with the 3 kids. He encouraged his daughter to hang out with Anastasia. Which she did. But since Anastasia still won't talk to others much, I did most the talking. I wasn't playing with the girl, just talking. I could tell Anastasia was not liking that one bit, and before I knew it she was in full melt down. She starting getting ugly toward me and crying, so I made her get out of the pool and sit down. She cried for 20 minutes. Once she calmed down, she told me that "you love Cody, you love Cooper, you love Daddy, you no love me" I held her close and kissed her cheeks bunches and told her I do love you, over and over, she just giggled and giggled. The sad part is, that is a real fear on her part. And one I remember well, I never felt like I looked like my sisters and brothers, or that I belonged like they did, since I was the only half sibing in the house. I don't know what would have made me not feel that way, but it was a real feeling to me, and it caused me a lot of pain as a child. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away completely for her. Siblings get jealous as it is, let alone when one comes into the family in a different way or by a different parent. I am trying my best. I routinely do things that will make her feel like part of our family, I can't just expect her to know that. One of the things I did was to add her to the boys growth chart, and mark her height on there, she was so excited and I could tell it was encouraging to her. But I can put myself in her shoes and know that it is going to take constant effort, I mean as an adopted child, being part of a family that already has children would be hard.

Therapy

Her pediatrician had said for us to find out what PT we wanted her to see. Some good friends recommended the Cantrell Center, well they called yesterday and they have a waiting list. They said they can do a consult and give us home exercises to do, which we could do, and really already do in way, but she needs someone outside the family to work with her, for several reasons. So the Cantrell Center gave us the name of a place in Macon, about 30-40 minutes form here, because believe or not it seems there is only 1 place in our town that has pediatrice physical therapists. I am not discouraged, everything happens for a reason. So I called the place in Macon, and they said they want to see her for OT, PT, and speach. Which would be great, because she needs all of the above. According to their website they also have someone who specializes in Neuromuscular massage for people with CP, this is one thing I have researched for her, so I am excited to talk to them about this. She has an appointment Monday with them for a consult. So, maybe it was meant to be, I spoke with the OT on the phone and she was very thorough and took her time with me and seemed truly interested, so I am excited for the appointment.

About Surgery

Sorry I have not updated about her surgery, just so much going on.
I spoke to the actual surgeon last Thursday. He was not supposed to call me back till this week, so I was impressed. He took his time on the phone with me, I really liked his demeanor. So, he says she is a great candidate for the surgery. He is only scheduled out 1 month, but we have decided against doing the surgery that soon. She needs more time to build trust and just enjoy her new life. Not only that but she will have casts on her legs for 6 weeks after, which would mean no more pool for the summer. So as of right now we think we are going to schedule for early September. This will give her time to adjust more, start school, etc... The casts will be from a little below her knees, past her ankle half way down her foot. She will be able to walk in them, and will be able to walk within 1-2 days after surgery. She will be given tylenol with Codeine for pain for up to a week. The average for the pain meds seems to be 2-3 days. Amazing! It is outpatient. We would arrive the day before surgery have a consult with the doctor, surgery the next day, stay in a hotel that night, then come home the next day. I belong to a couple CP groups online. It seems the kids do very well while in the casts. But once the casts come off some take awhile to adjust to their new range of motion, they have heel pain due to the fact they have never walked on their heels before and the bones in their feet rearrange. Some children take this harder than others. Anastasia seems rather sensitive about any booboo, so are preparing for this to be a hard time for her. This is one of the reasons we will not be waiting for the holiday school breaks for her to have her surgery. Gary is due to deploy in January, so I want him here for the hard parts, to help me out, especially physically. The timing should work out well, please keep this situation in your prayers. She freaks out about the tan lines on her feet because she thinks they are booboos.

If your brothers jumped off a bridge would you?

I don't think she would, but she jumped off the diving board!!!
She is seriously a different child at the pool than she was her first week here. We are so proud of her! Yesterday at the pool she said out of the blue that she wanted to jump off the diving board, in her lifejacke of course. She can't exactly jump, but with Gary's help she walked to the end and jumps into the water. She loved it!!
Not only that but she is learning to swim, only about 3 or 4 feet at a time, but we would have never guessed she would be doing that this soon. I will post pictures later.

Drama

Girls are drama! Last night we used Tim the Translator to have a conversation. Oh Boy! I was surprised at how little she had to say at first. We explained to her about school, she keeps asking to go. We explained about going to see a doctor for her legs to help her walk better. Then the flood gates opened. She was balling saying she did not want to lose her Russian language, because how would she speak to her friends at the orphanage. She said one boy (we all know it's V) was very sad when she left, and that he said he will wait for her. (What the heck, she's 7 waiting for what??) She said they always stuck together and that when she looked pretty he would tell, etc... It became clear to me exactly how substantial her relationships with other children were and that she must miss that so much.
I explained to her that we could pray for all the other children to get Mommys and Daddys. I told her some of the children would be coming to America this summer. Then she crying saying that if V came to America how would she ever move all of her things to live with him, her bed is so heavy. No joke, that is what she said.
So Tim and I did our best to appease some of her concern. He explained to her that she could learn to speak Russian and English like him, good job Tim.

Exciting times in the life of Anastasia

Things are going really well. We have not backed down once when we say no, and she seems to understand that no means no and it has stopped most of the tantrums. She did have one fit on Saturday because Cody had something she wanted. She asks me a million times a day what belongs to who. She will point to something and ask "eta Cody's?" It's an obsession everything must have an owner, it can't just be!!!

She has her first doctor's appt tomorrow, just a general well check. She does not like the doctor, so we'll see how it goes. She will occasionally ask me when we get in the car, "no doctor?"

I called the specialist today that I want to do her surgery. She needs muscle lengthening. Traditional muscle lengthening consists of small slices in the muscle.
The procedure we want her to have is referred to as "PERCS", percutanious, something, something. There are 2 surgeons who do it, Dr. Nuzzo in New Jersey, he "invented" it, and he taught Dr. Yngve in Galvestion TX.
I called the office today, he is on vacation, but he is supposed to call me Monday or Tuesday next week. He will ask me questions concerning her over the phone to determine if she is a candidate. If she is and if our insurance will pay for it, then we will make an appt. She would have consult with him, then surgery the next day. I'm not sure how far out they book these appts., but how exciting is that!!
Several of the reason we choose this procedure is:
Instead of "slices", it is a series of small holes, kind of how you poke meat with a fork to tenderize it.
This makes a huge difference in the amount of scar tissue that builds up.
Also the recovery time is very short in comparison, I don't even think there is a hospital stay.
This surgery could change her life, she would no longer be stuck walking on her toes, and hopefully she would be able to balance better. I am so excited at what a life changing procedure this could be for her!

Today

So far today is going much better. We have not gone anywhere which does not make her happy. Everything has been easily calmed down today, whatever the issue may be. She tried to convince me that she couldn't get dressed by herself because she couldn't get her night gown off. I just told her you take if off like a shirt, then sent her back to room, she came out dressed in just a few minutes. Then we hung her name banner that our friends made for our welcome home. I let her choose where she wanted to hang it in her room. She demanded a sandwich about an hour after she ate breakfast. The overeating is still an issue. I set the timer in the kitchen and told her she could have one when it beeped. That worked great, she did not say "mommy eat" 200 times like usual.
She was still begging for snacks after lunch even though she ate her lunch and a snack, so I have made a bowl of apples and bananas on the counter that she can help herself to, This gives her some control over the issue. She did get an apple and eat it, she sat next to me at the computer while I did several things and made some phone calls. She was being rather non-demanding!
We also did "school" today, we are going to focus on 2 letters a day. She soaked that up, she is all about school!
Right now she is sitting next to me practicing her cutting skills with her scissors.
I can only imagine how hard all these transitions are on her, and really she is doing so well considering.

Yesterdays Bad and Ugly

One of our biggest battles right now, is her not wanting to do things she can do. Like putting on her shoes, we have even shown her ways to make it easier. OR getting dressed, we know she did this on her own there, I don't give her a choice, I lay her clothes out and walk out of the room, if she whines I don't go back in, once she has gotten dressed I go in and see if there is anything she is having difficulty with.

So yesterday I had a surprise for her we were going to an indoor play place here to meet up with one of the friends she made while here at Christmas. You would think she would be more cooperative getting out of the house-nope.
She did not want to put on her own socks, so that delayed us, then once I got her shoes on she decided she wanted different shoes, which was a no becuase it takes a good amount of time to get her shoes on. So I left her on the floor in her room pitching a fit and told the boys, "let's go" So she comes out of her room, with one shoe off. She was trying to make a point, so I told her to go sit in the time out chair while the boys went and got in the car. She refused, I had to put her back in the chair 4 times.

Fast forward to later that afternoon.I over hear a little arguement occuring in the livingroom, so I eavesdrop. I hear Cody telling her "how would you feel if we didn't share with you, it would make you feel bad wouldn't it?" He was so calm trying to explain to her. You would never have guessed she has just smacked him across the face!! I talked to her about not hitting and sharing. Sharing is very hard because at the orphanage the other children would tear up her stuff or she would be forced to give things to other children, there was not a lot that was just hers. She thinks everything that is hers is just hers, but everyone should share. So I had her allow the boys to play with several of her things, and then show her how they put them back when they were done. She got grounded off the computer for hitting Cody.
You would think Cody would be mad at her, but no. AT bedtime he joined us in her bed for storytime, he helped me read and was adding in comic relief to make her laugh.

I am super proud of the boys and how they have handled all of the recent adjustments. I have every confidence that with time we will work through these issues. I am certainly up for the challenge!!