Just Waiting to Pull the Plug

So today Russia came up again.
She said under her breath, "I want to go see Russia soo bad",,,"I mean, never mind"
Me-, "I am excited to go visit Russia with you when you get bigger too, it will be so much fun"
Her, "I'm not being mean Mommy, me not hurting your feelings"
Me, "I know baby"

Her, "I KNOW (like she has got the best idea that will solve the entire returning to Russia issue), when you die I can go back to Russia"
Me, "Well, you will probably be an adult when Mommy dies"
Her, "OK"
Me, "So what would you do there"
Her, "I would live"
Me, "with who"
Her, "the Desky Dom"
Me, "You cannot live at the Desky Dom, they are for children, and your Desky Dom is for children who are younger than 8, so you could not live there"
Her, "I will work then and make money."
Me, "if you work there you will have to learn Russian again"
Her, "Oh, OK, I mean, maybe not, I don't know"

Me, "What about Daddy, Cody, and Cooper, they will be big, but they would miss you"
Her, "Mommy, I'm not trying to be mean"

Me, "I know" (In my head, "that is why it is so sad")
Me, "How about if you go there for a couple days, stay in a hotel, visit, then you can come back"
Her, "OK, maybe"
Me, "Can I come with you, I really loved Russia and I would love to visit it again."
Her, "Sure"

It would be so much easier if she were yelling these things at me because she was mad about doing her homework. Do you understand?

We are stressing over and over again, in many ways, books being one of them. That we love her forever, she is stuck with us forever, she is our daughter forever.

Even in a conversation unrelated to Russia, she said something about when she grows up and gets married she will miss me. After conversation I realized she thinks that would mean I am all done being her Mommy. She thinks us Mommies are temporary, why wouldn't she? Breaks my heart.

Some people misunderstood my last post about attachment. I was not saying look at all we've done for her and see how ungrateful she is, I am saying look at all we've done for her and she does not understand we love her yet. We do not feel as if we "saved" Anastasia. We added her to our family. Because her special needs are of a huge focus and take a lot of work sometimes I think this is how it seems to some people, understandably. I have come to realize in the past several weeks that she has very little understanding what a family is. How long with that take? I don't know. And unfortunatly there have been things that were told to her that are making things harder. Such as America made her sick and then she went back to the Desky Dom and made all the other people sick-all America's fault. And someone told her that she must not stay in America because we have pigs that make us sick and she will get sick.

Attachment is complicated, but here is what I think, I think she is attached to us, but I don't think even she understands what that means. I think with time her attachment will normalize and she will understand, but only time will make that happen. Here is what I know, we are attached to her, it is different than attaching to a bio child that you have carried and birthed. It is a different process, fully as special, and more complicated, but an unconditional love for sure.

But on a more comical note, if ever there is someone debating on wether or not to pull my plug, just make sure my daughter has not already booked her flight to Russia.