So today Russia came up again.
She said under her breath, "I want to go see Russia soo bad",,,"I mean, never mind"
Me-, "I am excited to go visit Russia with you when you get bigger too, it will be so much fun"
Her, "I'm not being mean Mommy, me not hurting your feelings"
Me, "I know baby"
Her, "I KNOW (like she has got the best idea that will solve the entire returning to Russia issue), when you die I can go back to Russia"
Me, "Well, you will probably be an adult when Mommy dies"
Her, "OK"
Me, "So what would you do there"
Her, "I would live"
Me, "with who"
Her, "the Desky Dom"
Me, "You cannot live at the Desky Dom, they are for children, and your Desky Dom is for children who are younger than 8, so you could not live there"
Her, "I will work then and make money."
Me, "if you work there you will have to learn Russian again"
Her, "Oh, OK, I mean, maybe not, I don't know"
Me, "What about Daddy, Cody, and Cooper, they will be big, but they would miss you"
Her, "Mommy, I'm not trying to be mean"
Me, "I know" (In my head, "that is why it is so sad")
Me, "How about if you go there for a couple days, stay in a hotel, visit, then you can come back"
Her, "OK, maybe"
Me, "Can I come with you, I really loved Russia and I would love to visit it again."
Her, "Sure"
It would be so much easier if she were yelling these things at me because she was mad about doing her homework. Do you understand?
We are stressing over and over again, in many ways, books being one of them. That we love her forever, she is stuck with us forever, she is our daughter forever.
Even in a conversation unrelated to Russia, she said something about when she grows up and gets married she will miss me. After conversation I realized she thinks that would mean I am all done being her Mommy. She thinks us Mommies are temporary, why wouldn't she? Breaks my heart.
Some people misunderstood my last post about attachment. I was not saying look at all we've done for her and see how ungrateful she is, I am saying look at all we've done for her and she does not understand we love her yet. We do not feel as if we "saved" Anastasia. We added her to our family. Because her special needs are of a huge focus and take a lot of work sometimes I think this is how it seems to some people, understandably. I have come to realize in the past several weeks that she has very little understanding what a family is. How long with that take? I don't know. And unfortunatly there have been things that were told to her that are making things harder. Such as America made her sick and then she went back to the Desky Dom and made all the other people sick-all America's fault. And someone told her that she must not stay in America because we have pigs that make us sick and she will get sick.
Attachment is complicated, but here is what I think, I think she is attached to us, but I don't think even she understands what that means. I think with time her attachment will normalize and she will understand, but only time will make that happen. Here is what I know, we are attached to her, it is different than attaching to a bio child that you have carried and birthed. It is a different process, fully as special, and more complicated, but an unconditional love for sure.
But on a more comical note, if ever there is someone debating on wether or not to pull my plug, just make sure my daughter has not already booked her flight to Russia.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Bye Bye Casts!!!
We are so excited! Anastasia gets her casts off tomorrow. It was going to be Friday, but they moved it up. We will go in at 8:30 to have them removed, impressions made for the AFOS (leg braces) and then go back t 3:30 to pick up the AFOS.
She is excited but a little scared of the unknown. She will probably relapse some. She has never had to use her ankles before because her tendons were so tight. But within several weeks I expect her to be walking with no walker and much better than she ever has. I will post pictures after she gets her AFOS, as I know several of you still are not sure exactly what I'm talking about.
She is excited but a little scared of the unknown. She will probably relapse some. She has never had to use her ankles before because her tendons were so tight. But within several weeks I expect her to be walking with no walker and much better than she ever has. I will post pictures after she gets her AFOS, as I know several of you still are not sure exactly what I'm talking about.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Holding Out
So I've been holding on posting becuase I couldn't decide if I was going to post about something that had happened. You've probably noticed there's not much I'm shy about posting, I've been very real with you. However you are.
Those of you fanatic adopters probably know all about "attachment" many of us researched it before we adopt, some after, some never, whatever, but at some point it is an issue or a wondering. I wonder if she trusts me, I wonder if she knows what she is saying when she says she loves me,etc... And you know what, I think the children go through the same wonderings. Anastasia still asks sometimes, "Mommy, You I love Me?" Up until last Friday if you had asked me if I thought she was securely attached to us, I would have said yes.
So last Friday we were making up some cards for the orphanage, one of our friends is leaving for their first trip for another little girl from Anastasia's orphanage. They live right down the street, by coincedence, it's not like we have a "Let's adopt from the same orphanage club"
I knew it was going to make for some sort of an issue, because anytime she sees pictures of the little boy "V" she gets very upset. Remember, he's waiting for her, he loves her, etc....
So this brought up the question, "Mommy when I'm bigger I can go back to Russia to visit, right" "Yes Anastasia we will go back and visit, it will be fun"
"Good Mommy, I want to visit the Desky Dom (orphanage) and maybe play for a while."
"Ok, we can do that" I replied
"ACTUALLY, I want to go back now, and not come back, I want to stay in Russia"
She used to say things like that to us, to tease us, and we would tease back, alright we'll go get your suitecase, we'll see you when you get back, etc.... But it's been a while since it came up, because we always talk with her about visiting there later.
Cooper was sitting with us and he got very upset, he jumped up and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You can't go back, I love you"
To which she said, "it's ok Cooper, I will send you a present" At this point she sounded so serious that I thought she must be kidding, (if that makes sense)
I told her I would cry if she went to Russia and never came back, she said "it's Ok Mommy, don't cry" I tried to explain to her that if she stayed in the Desky Dom she would not have a Mommy and Daddy or brothers. She said she knew that, but she still wanted to go back. I wasn't really sure what to make out of all of what she was saying. But we needed to hop in the car and take the cards over to our friends house, so just her and I went, I figured we could talk more on our way home.
Well, we get to our friends house, they open the door, and she shouts out, "Guess what I'm going back to Russia forever!"
THUD......(that was heart)
Me, slightly embarrased, competely heartbroken, "No sweety, we can go back later for a visit, but you cannot go back by yourself, we are my daughter"
Her, "No, it's OK Mommy, I am going"
What the ???????
Our friend was giving us some clothes that would not fit her future daughter, Anasastasia turned to me and said, "why are taking these dressed when I won't be here"
Really, it this happening???
Once we leave there I am about in tears. I explain to her that she really is not going back to Russia for good, that she our daughter forever. She is really mad at me, saying she will send me a present and she will miss me. No really Anastasia, you are making Mommy sad, you are part of our family, you cannot go back to Russia. But I miss my friends Mommy. Yes, I understand that Anastasia, but those friends are not always going to be there, some will get Mommies and Daddies, and some will get older and go to different Desky Doms. She says it's Ok Mommy I still want to go.
By this time, I am so hurt by what seems to be true hard evidence that the child that I have bathed, fed, drove 2 days to have surgery, done physical therapy with everday, spend 24/7 with at school, has not attached to me at ALL!! I mean what else does she need as evidence that we are here for HER, that we love her, that we are dedicated to her. When we come home I tell her to got to her room to think about things for a little while, and that Mommy needs to be by herself for a little while. This was done very kindly, not as a punishment. Gary and I talk about it privately, then call her in. I felt it very important to emphasize 2 things to her, 1. being that we are her Mommy and Daddy forever, just like we are Cody and Cooper's forever and that we love her, and 2. That she hurt my feelings and that I cried. Sounds harsh, but it's reality.
She had no tears. But we eventually got down to the root of the issue at hand.
Her rational is, That children do not die, and parents do.
She said, "If I stay here, you are just going to die"
I can't promise to my children that I'm not going to die, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to die for a very long time. She said, "Ya, when you have white hair you will die, I don't want you to die"
I think most of the attachment issues she is having, it for that very reason, she thinks at any moment I could die, there is no reason to attach to me.
Soon I will seek counseling for her, I think this would be good, and much needed.
She loved life in the Desky Dom, I will never deny that. But she was also happy to leave there, they said they never saw I child so eager to leave.
So everday, both Gary and I throw in a couple extra I love yous, and make an effort to tell her at least once a day, "I am your Mommy forever" or "I am your Daddy forever"
She told me that next day that she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she will never say she wants to leave again. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did and that my feelings were just fine now. And of course, that she is stuck with me forever.
Those of you fanatic adopters probably know all about "attachment" many of us researched it before we adopt, some after, some never, whatever, but at some point it is an issue or a wondering. I wonder if she trusts me, I wonder if she knows what she is saying when she says she loves me,etc... And you know what, I think the children go through the same wonderings. Anastasia still asks sometimes, "Mommy, You I love Me?" Up until last Friday if you had asked me if I thought she was securely attached to us, I would have said yes.
So last Friday we were making up some cards for the orphanage, one of our friends is leaving for their first trip for another little girl from Anastasia's orphanage. They live right down the street, by coincedence, it's not like we have a "Let's adopt from the same orphanage club"
I knew it was going to make for some sort of an issue, because anytime she sees pictures of the little boy "V" she gets very upset. Remember, he's waiting for her, he loves her, etc....
So this brought up the question, "Mommy when I'm bigger I can go back to Russia to visit, right" "Yes Anastasia we will go back and visit, it will be fun"
"Good Mommy, I want to visit the Desky Dom (orphanage) and maybe play for a while."
"Ok, we can do that" I replied
"ACTUALLY, I want to go back now, and not come back, I want to stay in Russia"
She used to say things like that to us, to tease us, and we would tease back, alright we'll go get your suitecase, we'll see you when you get back, etc.... But it's been a while since it came up, because we always talk with her about visiting there later.
Cooper was sitting with us and he got very upset, he jumped up and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You can't go back, I love you"
To which she said, "it's ok Cooper, I will send you a present" At this point she sounded so serious that I thought she must be kidding, (if that makes sense)
I told her I would cry if she went to Russia and never came back, she said "it's Ok Mommy, don't cry" I tried to explain to her that if she stayed in the Desky Dom she would not have a Mommy and Daddy or brothers. She said she knew that, but she still wanted to go back. I wasn't really sure what to make out of all of what she was saying. But we needed to hop in the car and take the cards over to our friends house, so just her and I went, I figured we could talk more on our way home.
Well, we get to our friends house, they open the door, and she shouts out, "Guess what I'm going back to Russia forever!"
THUD......(that was heart)
Me, slightly embarrased, competely heartbroken, "No sweety, we can go back later for a visit, but you cannot go back by yourself, we are my daughter"
Her, "No, it's OK Mommy, I am going"
What the ???????
Our friend was giving us some clothes that would not fit her future daughter, Anasastasia turned to me and said, "why are taking these dressed when I won't be here"
Really, it this happening???
Once we leave there I am about in tears. I explain to her that she really is not going back to Russia for good, that she our daughter forever. She is really mad at me, saying she will send me a present and she will miss me. No really Anastasia, you are making Mommy sad, you are part of our family, you cannot go back to Russia. But I miss my friends Mommy. Yes, I understand that Anastasia, but those friends are not always going to be there, some will get Mommies and Daddies, and some will get older and go to different Desky Doms. She says it's Ok Mommy I still want to go.
By this time, I am so hurt by what seems to be true hard evidence that the child that I have bathed, fed, drove 2 days to have surgery, done physical therapy with everday, spend 24/7 with at school, has not attached to me at ALL!! I mean what else does she need as evidence that we are here for HER, that we love her, that we are dedicated to her. When we come home I tell her to got to her room to think about things for a little while, and that Mommy needs to be by herself for a little while. This was done very kindly, not as a punishment. Gary and I talk about it privately, then call her in. I felt it very important to emphasize 2 things to her, 1. being that we are her Mommy and Daddy forever, just like we are Cody and Cooper's forever and that we love her, and 2. That she hurt my feelings and that I cried. Sounds harsh, but it's reality.
She had no tears. But we eventually got down to the root of the issue at hand.
Her rational is, That children do not die, and parents do.
She said, "If I stay here, you are just going to die"
I can't promise to my children that I'm not going to die, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to die for a very long time. She said, "Ya, when you have white hair you will die, I don't want you to die"
I think most of the attachment issues she is having, it for that very reason, she thinks at any moment I could die, there is no reason to attach to me.
Soon I will seek counseling for her, I think this would be good, and much needed.
She loved life in the Desky Dom, I will never deny that. But she was also happy to leave there, they said they never saw I child so eager to leave.
So everday, both Gary and I throw in a couple extra I love yous, and make an effort to tell her at least once a day, "I am your Mommy forever" or "I am your Daddy forever"
She told me that next day that she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she will never say she wants to leave again. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did and that my feelings were just fine now. And of course, that she is stuck with me forever.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Losing her "Ruskey"
The Russian word for Russian is "Ruskey" and for English is "Englaskey"
Sometimes when I tell her the English word for something I will ask her to tell me the Russian word for it. So today we were going over our shapes, as I was telling her what they were, she was telling me what they were in Russian. Then all of a sudden when I pointed to the triangle, her face went blank. She said, "I don't know because I Englaskey, englaskey, englaskey, and now Ruskey I don't know!"
My poor girl. Everyone had told me around 3-4 months they lose their Russian. She has been home 2.5 months. This is upsetting to her. I told her when she got older we could relearn the Russian.
As her English gets better and better, she is able to tell me more and more about her life in Russian. Most is hard to hear. It is not like having a child from birth that you have been able to protect everyday. She had a totally different life before us. Most of what she shares with me we are keeping private, for her sake, just some things are hers to share when she gets older. But some things I will share, I know there are other adoptive parents reading this blog, searching for information or a sense of what this journey is like. You must prepare yourself that there will be things in their past, things that can effect who they are, their habits, their fears, etc...
Sometimes when I tell her the English word for something I will ask her to tell me the Russian word for it. So today we were going over our shapes, as I was telling her what they were, she was telling me what they were in Russian. Then all of a sudden when I pointed to the triangle, her face went blank. She said, "I don't know because I Englaskey, englaskey, englaskey, and now Ruskey I don't know!"
My poor girl. Everyone had told me around 3-4 months they lose their Russian. She has been home 2.5 months. This is upsetting to her. I told her when she got older we could relearn the Russian.
As her English gets better and better, she is able to tell me more and more about her life in Russian. Most is hard to hear. It is not like having a child from birth that you have been able to protect everyday. She had a totally different life before us. Most of what she shares with me we are keeping private, for her sake, just some things are hers to share when she gets older. But some things I will share, I know there are other adoptive parents reading this blog, searching for information or a sense of what this journey is like. You must prepare yourself that there will be things in their past, things that can effect who they are, their habits, their fears, etc...
Monday, August 3, 2009
Not even 72 hours post op...
and we are off pain meds!!! The timing of her pain meds, (tylenol with Codiene) was off yesterday, so come bedtime it was not anywhere near time for another dose. So I gave her some Jr. Motrin. This morning she "walked" to the bathroom with me holding her upright of course. She said, "mommy today it feels better." I replied, "yes, remember Mommy told you every morning it will be better, until one morning it will not hurt anymore." She said, "well a little better, not so much better" Mmmhmm, girl you are bearing your weight 3 days post op, I would say that is so much better!!
She can now long sit, with her legs straight out in front of her. Miraculous in the world of CP, and when she walks, although she is in casts, her heels touch the ground before her toes, brings tears to my eyes when I see it. We hope to be able to get her a walker today, she has to learn how to walk "normal" her mind and body is not used to it and neither are her muscles. Before she was bouncing off the tight heel chords, not really using her muscles to walk. She is determined to walk, she does not like sitting still.
She can now long sit, with her legs straight out in front of her. Miraculous in the world of CP, and when she walks, although she is in casts, her heels touch the ground before her toes, brings tears to my eyes when I see it. We hope to be able to get her a walker today, she has to learn how to walk "normal" her mind and body is not used to it and neither are her muscles. Before she was bouncing off the tight heel chords, not really using her muscles to walk. She is determined to walk, she does not like sitting still.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Surgery Update
The first picture was taken the day after surgery. Those braces she has on are supposed to be warn for the first day then overnight until she is not curling her legs up while sleeping. We only used these braces for the first 9 days I think. Then I tried her without them, and when I went to wake her up her legs were stretched out as straight as a board-sweet success!!!
The second is the same day as surgery. Already you can tell the huge difference she could not sit with her legs straight out in front of her like that at all before. The white cotton on her thighs is covering the "incisions" there. 4 weeks after the surgery you cannot see the incisions at all, but you can see her skin pucker there when she is crawling, we just noticed this, no big deal, what a difference from the traditional method!!
Things went great, as to be expected. Dr. Yngve is the nicest surgeon I have ever met. He let me come back and stay with her till the gas had put her to sleep. This was a huge help becuase when they went to take her in, she started crying. He gives his CP patients a special type of anesthesia that wears off slowly so their muscles don't go into panic spastic mode when they suddenly wake up. She was upset the first couple hours, she wanted an explanation for each and every thing on her body. Over and OVER again. We were back at the hotel around 2:30. Periodically she would get herself worked up over the details like how will she go potty in the middle of night, or how will she play with her toys. They are allowed to start trying to bear weight and walk the next day, and she was all about it. With me holding her up of course. This morning she asked if she could try crawling, so she did that. Overall it is the most motivation I have ever seen in her. She will have her casts on for 4 weeks, then she will have AFOS, which are little leg braces. There is a lot of training to be done with her legs, muscles to be built up, etc... She will probably go to school with a walker at first. She is not happy the boys will start school without her for a week. I had wanted to homeschool her, but she got very upset about that. So we are going to try school. She will be in the first grade, just a grade behind her age. She is a fast learner. Her English is going great. Right now our favorite Anastasiaisms are "Ahh Mam" Anything that has man in it she puts mam in because she says she is a girl not a boy. It is so stinkin cute. She also says peep instead of peed, which is so funny the way she says it.
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