So I've been holding on posting becuase I couldn't decide if I was going to post about something that had happened. You've probably noticed there's not much I'm shy about posting, I've been very real with you. However you are.
Those of you fanatic adopters probably know all about "attachment" many of us researched it before we adopt, some after, some never, whatever, but at some point it is an issue or a wondering. I wonder if she trusts me, I wonder if she knows what she is saying when she says she loves me,etc... And you know what, I think the children go through the same wonderings. Anastasia still asks sometimes, "Mommy, You I love Me?" Up until last Friday if you had asked me if I thought she was securely attached to us, I would have said yes.
So last Friday we were making up some cards for the orphanage, one of our friends is leaving for their first trip for another little girl from Anastasia's orphanage. They live right down the street, by coincedence, it's not like we have a "Let's adopt from the same orphanage club"
I knew it was going to make for some sort of an issue, because anytime she sees pictures of the little boy "V" she gets very upset. Remember, he's waiting for her, he loves her, etc....
So this brought up the question, "Mommy when I'm bigger I can go back to Russia to visit, right" "Yes Anastasia we will go back and visit, it will be fun"
"Good Mommy, I want to visit the Desky Dom (orphanage) and maybe play for a while."
"Ok, we can do that" I replied
"ACTUALLY, I want to go back now, and not come back, I want to stay in Russia"
She used to say things like that to us, to tease us, and we would tease back, alright we'll go get your suitecase, we'll see you when you get back, etc.... But it's been a while since it came up, because we always talk with her about visiting there later.
Cooper was sitting with us and he got very upset, he jumped up and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You can't go back, I love you"
To which she said, "it's ok Cooper, I will send you a present" At this point she sounded so serious that I thought she must be kidding, (if that makes sense)
I told her I would cry if she went to Russia and never came back, she said "it's Ok Mommy, don't cry" I tried to explain to her that if she stayed in the Desky Dom she would not have a Mommy and Daddy or brothers. She said she knew that, but she still wanted to go back. I wasn't really sure what to make out of all of what she was saying. But we needed to hop in the car and take the cards over to our friends house, so just her and I went, I figured we could talk more on our way home.
Well, we get to our friends house, they open the door, and she shouts out, "Guess what I'm going back to Russia forever!"
THUD......(that was heart)
Me, slightly embarrased, competely heartbroken, "No sweety, we can go back later for a visit, but you cannot go back by yourself, we are my daughter"
Her, "No, it's OK Mommy, I am going"
What the ???????
Our friend was giving us some clothes that would not fit her future daughter, Anasastasia turned to me and said, "why are taking these dressed when I won't be here"
Really, it this happening???
Once we leave there I am about in tears. I explain to her that she really is not going back to Russia for good, that she our daughter forever. She is really mad at me, saying she will send me a present and she will miss me. No really Anastasia, you are making Mommy sad, you are part of our family, you cannot go back to Russia. But I miss my friends Mommy. Yes, I understand that Anastasia, but those friends are not always going to be there, some will get Mommies and Daddies, and some will get older and go to different Desky Doms. She says it's Ok Mommy I still want to go.
By this time, I am so hurt by what seems to be true hard evidence that the child that I have bathed, fed, drove 2 days to have surgery, done physical therapy with everday, spend 24/7 with at school, has not attached to me at ALL!! I mean what else does she need as evidence that we are here for HER, that we love her, that we are dedicated to her. When we come home I tell her to got to her room to think about things for a little while, and that Mommy needs to be by herself for a little while. This was done very kindly, not as a punishment. Gary and I talk about it privately, then call her in. I felt it very important to emphasize 2 things to her, 1. being that we are her Mommy and Daddy forever, just like we are Cody and Cooper's forever and that we love her, and 2. That she hurt my feelings and that I cried. Sounds harsh, but it's reality.
She had no tears. But we eventually got down to the root of the issue at hand.
Her rational is, That children do not die, and parents do.
She said, "If I stay here, you are just going to die"
I can't promise to my children that I'm not going to die, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to die for a very long time. She said, "Ya, when you have white hair you will die, I don't want you to die"
I think most of the attachment issues she is having, it for that very reason, she thinks at any moment I could die, there is no reason to attach to me.
Soon I will seek counseling for her, I think this would be good, and much needed.
She loved life in the Desky Dom, I will never deny that. But she was also happy to leave there, they said they never saw I child so eager to leave.
So everday, both Gary and I throw in a couple extra I love yous, and make an effort to tell her at least once a day, "I am your Mommy forever" or "I am your Daddy forever"
She told me that next day that she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she will never say she wants to leave again. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did and that my feelings were just fine now. And of course, that she is stuck with me forever.
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing this story. As you mentioned you read about attachment and think you are ready to handle the issues. Then BAM! I can only hope that G and I can follow your example in dealing with this if it should arise after we get our kids home. Sounds like you are doing the right things...
ReplyDeleteCara, my heart is just breaking for you. We have gone through similar conversations here, although not quite so extreme, but to the same effect. Our social worker warned us that things would get worse after they had been so good for awhile - and even with that forewarning, we were still hurt with some of the words and sentiments she threw at us. You sound like you have a good grip on why she was saying those things - she's pushing you away to protect herself from getting hurt. Even so, it really hurts. My thoughts are with you and I hope things turn around. Sounds like you've got a good plan going - lots of positive words and I love yous!
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a while now and I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it would be good to say to her that you do not plan on Dying until after she married and have children possibly grandchildren of her own.
Maybe it would be good to possibly let her know that kids can die also. Evidently she needs to be aware of this. It might also help her to realize she is not on this earth forever either.
I hate to say this but as little contact with "V" as possible might be the best thing too. That sounds like a problem waiting to happen. Some how she has got to realize that life at your house is a HECK of a lot better than that orphanage, and that "V" is most likely NOT going to wait for her forever. One can only hope he forgets her over time. How sad that she thinks being with him is so great.
Maybe you should give her some more special attention to make her feel very special.
Wonder if the surgery she had is bringing out any of this? After all she did not have surgery or pain (like from surgery) in the Orphanage.
Maybe having this girl near you they can become friends and she will forget more about the orphanage and the kids there. Maybe this child will let her know how lucky she really is.
I am no expert but these things went through my head as I was reading your post.
My heart goes out to you! I am not sure anyone can say you did not handle that right, after all unless someone has been through that you have no idea what you would say or do.
My first thought was maybe she needs to go spend a week to a month at a different orphanage so she can see how good life in America at your house really is. (sorry but I was upset over what I read)
I think you telling her what she did and said really hurt your feelings and it made you cry. I do not feel that was wrong at all. She needs to know that it hurts you when she does things like that. She obviously has no clue that her actions or words can hurt others and she needs to be aware of this to survive period, otherwise she is not going to have to many friends.
Maybe if she can make some real American friends at school things will settle down.
I agree that she needs some serious counseling. Good luck on finding someone that understands international adoptions, so they can know what she really came from. I hope someone can make her realize what she has now.
God be with you! Again I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe it is something normal with older adoptions but goodness!
Wendy (sorry I do not have an account that I can sign on with)
Wendy,
ReplyDeletehaha, I had to laugh out loud when I saw that it was you that wrote all that! I was thinking wow this person that doesn't even know me took a lot of time and thought into their post.
As far as the dying, yes I explained that children die too, but she is not convinced.
Yes, "V" is not brought up, except by her, and she asked to put his picture up in her room, but I told her I didn't think so, because it would get her all upset.
Yes, what you said about the pain is also true, she never had anything done to her legs in Russian, and she points that out. I explain to her that if she had stayed there they would have done surgery. The girl that is coming has the scars on her legs from the traditional method of doing the surgery, and Anastasia know that, I explained to her that had she stayed there, that is what she would have gotten to, she would not have been driven 13 hours to go to a doctor where she would have minimal pain and NO scars.
She has this romanticized view of the Desky Dom, the beds were so soft, the soup was so good, the air smelled so good, the friends were so wonderful, on and on. I can point out all day long that she has her own room her, that here she gets dessert, that she has great friends here and a nice school, etc...
And like you said the only thing that will make that go away is time or when we take her back for a visit when she gets older. We've decided not to go back and forth with her anymore about the material things, I simply told her that here she has a family and in life that is most important, and that we are her Mommy and Daddy and there is no changing it.
As far as special times, I cannot give much more time one on one with her than I already do!!
Thanks for all your thoughtful comments, we parent alike so your advice is always helpful.
I’ve never read your blog before, I just surfed here from Smiles & Trials. I thought I’d add my two cents, I hope I don’t offend you, I just want to add my perspective.
ReplyDeleteYou are taking offense to Anastasia telling you she wants to go “home” to the Domsky Dom in Russia. I understand why you are hurt by this. You put a LOT of time, sustained effort and astronomical money into saving this child from a bleak life in an institutional setting. I get that.
But I think I can also understand what Anastasia is feeling, to a much less degree. Try to stop seeing this situation from the “saviour’s” point of view, and really put yourself into HER shoes. I think she IS starting to feel attached to you. Imagine how frightening that would be for her. To start to feel attached to another mommy, who could then go and abandon her, just like the first one did. Granted it was beyond the mother’s control, but none-the-less, she left Anastasia! If she feels herself falling for you, she’s probably scared as heck!!!
Also, in previous posts, you shared that she is already losing some of her ability to speak Russian. Her speaking Russian is not something she DOES, is part of who she IS. Therefore, she is losing part of herself. And being in America, this is a part of herself that she may never get back! This would be a disturbing thing for anyone. Look at how adults who love their career feel when their company suddenly lets them go because they are no longer “needed.” They feel they’ve lost more than a job.....they feel they’ve lost who they are, and many are devastated. What a disheartening thing for a little child, to be losing part of who you are, with no control to prevent it from happening.
Her relationship with V. Whether you think it’s juvenile, or puppy-love or whatever you think it is, it was a bond. Maybe it was more like a sibling attachment, maybe one day they would have married. Who knows? Either way, Anastasia and V were attached with a bond of love. (This bodes well for you, as clearly she IS able to attach and feel love.) She has not yet accepted the death of their relationship, and so the grieving/mourning period has not yet really occurred. When it does start, I’m sure it will be a significant process for her to have to go through. To make it more difficult, they didn’t part because of some disagreement between them, or because of the actual death of one of them. She knows he is still alive, back in her comfort zone, the Desky Dom, where she knows exactly what to expect when and from whom. And if her self-appointed role was to look out for him and look after him somewhat, she may be worried for his well-being without her there. Put yourself in HER shoes, REALLY try to understand.
She is being asked to assimilate into a new culture, to learn a new language, while just discarding her native tongue, to allow herself to love people who could leave her, and to forget about people she already loves. Her life is a whirlwind right now. The changes required of her are beyond huge, and EVERYthing is beyond her control. Her world has been turned upside down, and you are expecting her to be grateful and endeared to you for you for doing it. She is a little child. One day, twenty years from now, she may come to grasp what a blessing her adoption is, but for now she’s just trying to make it day by day. And when it feels too tough, she says she just wants to go HOME to the simpler times at the Desky Dom.
I hope I’ve not offended you. I only wanted to put a voice to what Anastasia may be feeling. Good luck.
Terri-Anne you did not tell me anything I don't already know. I was not heart broken that Anastasia does not appreciate what we have done for her. I was heartbroken that she does not feel more secure in our love and that her attachment was not as far along as I would have thought. I am sorry you misinterpreted my entire post. Trust me I put myself in her shoes everyday, I could not be an effective parent if I didn't. And I do not look at things from a "saviours" view. We did not save Anastasia we made her a part of our family.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as "V" goes, I think you are looking very deeply into the relationship of 2 7 year olds. Child-child relationships are important to her because she lived in a Desky Dom. She will leave friends many times over, we are in the military and move a lot.
Aidan (3 years old and home 17 months) got mad at me last week and told me he wanted to live at his school. . .he doesn't remember the orphanage he came from, but it hurt nonetheless and I did wonder at the time about Latent Attachment issues. I think it is something all of us adoptive parents need to constantly be vigilent about. You handled your situation beautifully, by the way. And after a nap, Aidan was fine and didn't mention living at his school again. Whew!
ReplyDelete