We had our first major meltdown last night. After dinner I went to the grocery store. She does not like to stay with just Daddy as much as she would like to be with Mommy all the time. But I needed to go. Well on my way home I called to check on things, and Gary put her on the phone. She repeated several time that I needed to drive home now. Haha. Then it happened, Gary told all the kids to get ready for bed, and she mentioned that she was sleeping on the couch tonight.
Last night we set up the huge tent in the living room and the older two slept in there. It's got two rooms, and neither of them wanted so share with Cooper so Cooper slept on the couch, poor Cooper. Well she thought she would get a turn on the couch. I explained that Cooper got to sleep there because they would not share with him. Well by the time I got home she was crying so hard, begging us to sleep on the couch.
She cried and cried, and begged and begged. She refused to calm down so we said it was time for bed. Gary layed with her, as she kicked and screamed, while put the groceries away. Then she said she was calm enough to lay with Mommy. She kept repeating, "Cody 2, Anastasia 1" I thought she was saying that Cody got 2 turns and her only 1. I explained over and over again that Cody was sleeping in his bed tonight that he was not getting 2 turns. Finally she said "Cody and Cooper 2, Mommy and Daddy 2, Anastasia just 1" She is heartbroken that she is the only one who does not sleep in a room with someone else.
She had asked about this before through the translator (when we called her at the orphanage) and I explained that boys and girls don't usually sleep in the same room. to which she replied well we do here. I can explain how heartbroken she is about this. She said it is scary in her room, I told her there is nothing to be scared of, and she said she still sees it in her head. Once she was able to explain to me what was wrong we cuddled and she cried and just told me she loved me. I told her I understood that she missed her friends and sleeping with all the children in the big room.
I have not decided what to do about this yet. Adoption attachment is very complex, and you are really supposed to let them regress. But I have been careful to not let her manipulate a situation. This is the one subject I may bend on. It is her number one worry/issue right now. I may put her mattress in the boys room. She slept fine in the living room when Cody was in there with her. Will she sleep in her room alone-yes. Do I think it may be bad for our bonding if I let her deep fear and worry continue-yes. So we'll see. I do lay with her every night. It is a great bonding time, we talk, practice English, cuddle, etc...
I posted for advice on FRUA a huge adoption board and they attacked me saying I do need to baby her and why wouldn't I, on and on. I don't need that here, so please don't post anything unless you have true advice
Well, I don't know if it's what you want to hear, but we let Sofia fall asleep in our bed for the first while (Stefan would stay with her until she fell asleep)and then we moved the routine to her own room and started the stickers on the calendar (about a month with one of us staying there with her until she fell asleep and then another month of stickers with her falling asleep on her own after story time). Not sure what the agencies over there require, but we had to have a bedroom for her alone. It was really hard for her to go to sleep in it after being with all the other kids in the children's home. She actually talked with the social workers last week - remembering that she fell asleep in our bed and then Pappa carried her to her own room. She knew she was being moved during the night and didn't mind.
ReplyDeleteI emailed you because I wanted you to see a picture of my husband and son I took about three weeks ago and I don't think I can attach a photo to a comment. I emailed it to the email address on your blog. The subject is "blog comment". My son was much younger than your daughter when he was adopted but after he outgrew the crib he had a very hard time coming to grips with sleeping in his own room. Now at nine years old he never sleeps with us at our home. But at our cabin he once in a while still crawls in with us. I think your idea of a mattress on the floor for now is a fine compromise and in no way indicates she is trying to manipulate you. She really wants that and I think it won't hurt to try to accommodate it within reason. I see manipulation as something far less direct and with more devious overtones. But then I'm just another adoptive mother making it up as I go. But I know that providing our son security has never backfired on us and I am willing to think it won't backfire with you either.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through another blog and have been following for sometime. I do not have any children of my own and unable to adopt do to my own health issues, so I by all means do not know all the answers.
ReplyDeleteI will say this much. When I had nieces and nephews come to stay with me (actually I raised a set of twins until they were 4 and their older sister was 8yrs old). They all slept in my room with me for a while. They have had no problems growing up like normal kids either (they are now all in their 20's)LOL!
I would suggest you think about letting her sleep in your room (on a air mattress or something like that) for a period of time and then move her with the boys and then back to her own room. So what if it takes 1 month or 6months to get her use to her own room. I am sure she will after time. But I would let her know that this is just for a while and not forever, otherwise she might try this again to get to sleep with you or the boys again. LOL! Hey she is a kid and they know how to push your buttons if you let them. LOL!!
BTW, the people who said ugly things to you about not being sensitive are not perfect either. I would bet that they made mistakes along the way too.
Adopting an older child I think makes it harder because you are having to change the way she thinks as far as knowing what is and is not acceptable to you as HER MOTHER! Also you have to try and figure out when she is and is not trying to manipulate the situation, because ALL kids will try to do that anytime they can. Kids try to see what they can and cannot get away with, it is just a part of life and adopted kids are no different. LOL!!
So do not let those folks upset you! They do not know you or your situation.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Love,
Sheila
- HAHAHAHAHAHA (modestly to get all gold stars) THAT MISS ANASTASIA SUTTLES IS A BRAT SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE THAN I THE SAINT WHO GETS EVERYBODY CORRECT AND RIGHT AND PROPER AND PERFECTIONIST SAINT THE FIRST TIME! Ms. HK Kim.
ReplyDelete- Update: Google Drive - My Drive and PowerPoint and Adobe and finally Word and all the gen eds connected to Race and ethnicity - Marriage and family proved all that!
- So sorry for the attempted mocking, yet tough love will switch that brat into the perfect Saint I am!