"in the morning yous better Mommy, OK?!"

There really is no good title for the past couple of days. On the Anastasia front-she's doing wonderful! No fits the past 3 or 4 days. We even had to make a 3 hour trip to the dentist this past Friday, for Cody, Cooper, and I. She couldn't be seen yet because her insurance doesn't kick in till July 1st. The boys got really cool prizes, and although she was a little disappointed I told her she would have her turn in a couple weeks, and there was no complaints from her. So proud of her behavior. There were even mermaid toothbrushes and plastic tiaras. But she held strong!
Her therapy is going well, to say the least. Either Gary or I stretch er 30 minutes a day, we also do some crunches and "kicks" Her walking is going great, sometimes her right heel almost touches the floor. She is showing more resilience, which is my utmost goal right now. If she does not try and try and believe she can do it than there is no point.

Saturday while out and about at Walmart, I got some sudden pain in my stomach and back, I grabbed the car keys while Gary and the boys checked out, I barely made it to the car, the thought of laying down in the middle of the parking lot crossed my mind. I'm 99% sure it is a kidney stone. I had them 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Cooper. The rest of Saturday was spent in bed, in pain, vomiting, etc... Yesterday I could still feel the pain in my back, though nothing like Saturday, but I slept all day and all night. Today I still feel achey and can still feel the pain in my flanks.

To make things even poopier Gary cannot take leave from work for the 4th to go to Ohio to visit my family. Normally I would just go myself with the kids, but with the threat of that pain coming back I don't know. Cody is heart broken, he looks forward to this trip all year. So earlier today when I could feel the pain my decision was that we were not going without Gary, now that I was able to eat enough to take something for the pain, I think maybe. I don't know, I fear being stuck on the highway with kidney stone pain, with 3 kids by myself, but I am determined, so we will see.

Oh My Goodness, Oh My Gosh

That is her new saying, she says it really dramatic like, and it's pretty cute.
Monday we had our appointment with the Occupational Therapist and Speak Therapist. I think we overwhelmed both of them a bit, but we are going to continue to take her, at least just to keep her used to working with other people. It can still be hard for her to get over her shyness and talk to other people.
After searching we finally found a Physical Therapist with an opening. We told her our situation and she saw us right away. First of all I must say her demeanor with Anastasia was awesome. Anastasia worked pretty willingly with her and was laughind, participating and talking to her. The PT is very experienced and really good at what she does. She however does not think that Anastasia should have the surgery. She had never heard of the surgery and didn't really want to listen to me or read the info I printed out for her. She would rather do therapy, stretching, and medicine. Of course no matter what she will always need therapy and stretching. But those of you who know me know that I researched this tons, (as I do everything). I do not want her on a medicine everyday. Why would I pump her with medicine with nasty side effects and withdrawal when she could have a minimally invasive procedure that could help her in the long run. Me and the PT went back and forth. I already have the surgery scheduled for July 31. After talking with Gary we have decided to stay with the surgery. At our next appt, I will let the physical therapist know that, and see if she is still wanting to work with us. I cannot tell you how many people have posted that their physical therapists were against the surgery until they saw the kids afterwards and were amazed. This was not an easy decision, trust me, decided things for your children is heart wrenching, I just want to do what is best for her now and for the long run.

So one thing the therapist wanted us to work on is Anastasia getting to a standing postition from the floor. When she falls she has to crawl over to something to pull her self up. So if she falls in the middle of the yard, that can make for a long crawl back to the house. So after dinner I did her stretches with her and then told her we needed to work on what the Dr. had showed us. Her initial reaction was what she usually does, flop over, not trying, saying she can't, whining, etc... I told her the Dr. said that she can do this, that her legs are good legs, we have to work hard to learn how to use them though, and that we were not going to have our dessert until she at least tried. (Hey, there's nothing wrong with bribary)
Gary came in and helped us. Before we know it the girl does it!!! I was screaming and clapping. The look on her face was priceless. She showed Cody and he made huge deal. We praised her over and over again. --Then ate ice cream of course----

Then came the storm. It seems like with every emotional event, even when good, something happens in her, and it overstresses her or brings something out. I was on the phone with a friend, telling her about our day and Anastasia's big accomplishments, I was sitting at the computer in my bedroom. She came in and asked if she could use the computer, I told her she could use her computer (we have one for her that we hook up to the TV) She said no she wanted Mommies computer I told her not right now, maybe later when Cody or Cooper could help her. There's this look in her face that happens when she is deciding if she wants to battle or not. Gary came into the bedroom to hook up her computer and she started throwing a fit, she wanted my computer. I told her to go out of my bedroom, and when I was done on the phone we could talk about it. She refused. I told her again, very calmly, she refused. Then she went into full out fit. I got off the phone and took her hand to walk her out of the bedroom, but by that time she was gone emotionally. I carried her to bedroom but she refused to stay in there, full out screaming, kicking, crying.
I told her she did not have to go to bed, that she could play in her room, if she calmed down. She refused. So I went in and dressed her for bed, layed her in her bed and layed down next to her. I could tell this was a fit that she needed to throw, she needed to get it out, so what I do (I had to do this once before. I lay next to her with my leg over her, not touching her but if she trys to sit up it stops her. She screamed and yelled, twisted, and begged. The sound of it is really horrendous. She was screaming that Cody and Cooper were not going to bed yet (it was about 8:30, bedtime is usually 9-9:30) She has seen each of the boys go to bed early once for not behaving. She knew that was why she was being put to bed, but it still felt so unfair to her. The whole thing lasted about 1.5 hours, not all fit. I explained over and over again what she did wrong, and she told me how unfair it was. I let her speak and she let me speak. She had other things she talked about, such as how unfair it was that I hadn't let her buy anymore purses. She has 7, I think. So we did a lesson in money I got change and showed her that when we buy something, I have to pay and sometimes the money is all gone. And that purses, clothes, toys, are fun, but first we have to pay for house, lights, water, car, food, etc... She said Daddy works, works, works, so we should have enough money for more purses.
I told her she should be thankful for what she has, some girls have no purses. Entitlement is a feeling that comes easy!! I want her to know she can voice her opinion, but that certain actions get punished, and that Mommy and Daddy are in charge. We talked for a long time, and it ended well, but boy was I tired!

Hey, go find your own Mommy

We just got done with a fun filled few days with Papaw, Gary's Dad came for a short visit. While here we took the kids to the pool. She is still doing great in the water, swimming better and better. While there a man came up to us and was telling us how his step daughter had mild CP, and now she is doing great, she was there with him, she is 9. It was very sweet of him to offer their story, and to offer us encouraging words. The Mom was at work, and he was there with the 3 kids. He encouraged his daughter to hang out with Anastasia. Which she did. But since Anastasia still won't talk to others much, I did most the talking. I wasn't playing with the girl, just talking. I could tell Anastasia was not liking that one bit, and before I knew it she was in full melt down. She starting getting ugly toward me and crying, so I made her get out of the pool and sit down. She cried for 20 minutes. Once she calmed down, she told me that "you love Cody, you love Cooper, you love Daddy, you no love me" I held her close and kissed her cheeks bunches and told her I do love you, over and over, she just giggled and giggled. The sad part is, that is a real fear on her part. And one I remember well, I never felt like I looked like my sisters and brothers, or that I belonged like they did, since I was the only half sibing in the house. I don't know what would have made me not feel that way, but it was a real feeling to me, and it caused me a lot of pain as a child. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away completely for her. Siblings get jealous as it is, let alone when one comes into the family in a different way or by a different parent. I am trying my best. I routinely do things that will make her feel like part of our family, I can't just expect her to know that. One of the things I did was to add her to the boys growth chart, and mark her height on there, she was so excited and I could tell it was encouraging to her. But I can put myself in her shoes and know that it is going to take constant effort, I mean as an adopted child, being part of a family that already has children would be hard.

Therapy

Her pediatrician had said for us to find out what PT we wanted her to see. Some good friends recommended the Cantrell Center, well they called yesterday and they have a waiting list. They said they can do a consult and give us home exercises to do, which we could do, and really already do in way, but she needs someone outside the family to work with her, for several reasons. So the Cantrell Center gave us the name of a place in Macon, about 30-40 minutes form here, because believe or not it seems there is only 1 place in our town that has pediatrice physical therapists. I am not discouraged, everything happens for a reason. So I called the place in Macon, and they said they want to see her for OT, PT, and speach. Which would be great, because she needs all of the above. According to their website they also have someone who specializes in Neuromuscular massage for people with CP, this is one thing I have researched for her, so I am excited to talk to them about this. She has an appointment Monday with them for a consult. So, maybe it was meant to be, I spoke with the OT on the phone and she was very thorough and took her time with me and seemed truly interested, so I am excited for the appointment.

About Surgery

Sorry I have not updated about her surgery, just so much going on.
I spoke to the actual surgeon last Thursday. He was not supposed to call me back till this week, so I was impressed. He took his time on the phone with me, I really liked his demeanor. So, he says she is a great candidate for the surgery. He is only scheduled out 1 month, but we have decided against doing the surgery that soon. She needs more time to build trust and just enjoy her new life. Not only that but she will have casts on her legs for 6 weeks after, which would mean no more pool for the summer. So as of right now we think we are going to schedule for early September. This will give her time to adjust more, start school, etc... The casts will be from a little below her knees, past her ankle half way down her foot. She will be able to walk in them, and will be able to walk within 1-2 days after surgery. She will be given tylenol with Codeine for pain for up to a week. The average for the pain meds seems to be 2-3 days. Amazing! It is outpatient. We would arrive the day before surgery have a consult with the doctor, surgery the next day, stay in a hotel that night, then come home the next day. I belong to a couple CP groups online. It seems the kids do very well while in the casts. But once the casts come off some take awhile to adjust to their new range of motion, they have heel pain due to the fact they have never walked on their heels before and the bones in their feet rearrange. Some children take this harder than others. Anastasia seems rather sensitive about any booboo, so are preparing for this to be a hard time for her. This is one of the reasons we will not be waiting for the holiday school breaks for her to have her surgery. Gary is due to deploy in January, so I want him here for the hard parts, to help me out, especially physically. The timing should work out well, please keep this situation in your prayers. She freaks out about the tan lines on her feet because she thinks they are booboos.

If your brothers jumped off a bridge would you?

I don't think she would, but she jumped off the diving board!!!
She is seriously a different child at the pool than she was her first week here. We are so proud of her! Yesterday at the pool she said out of the blue that she wanted to jump off the diving board, in her lifejacke of course. She can't exactly jump, but with Gary's help she walked to the end and jumps into the water. She loved it!!
Not only that but she is learning to swim, only about 3 or 4 feet at a time, but we would have never guessed she would be doing that this soon. I will post pictures later.

Drama

Girls are drama! Last night we used Tim the Translator to have a conversation. Oh Boy! I was surprised at how little she had to say at first. We explained to her about school, she keeps asking to go. We explained about going to see a doctor for her legs to help her walk better. Then the flood gates opened. She was balling saying she did not want to lose her Russian language, because how would she speak to her friends at the orphanage. She said one boy (we all know it's V) was very sad when she left, and that he said he will wait for her. (What the heck, she's 7 waiting for what??) She said they always stuck together and that when she looked pretty he would tell, etc... It became clear to me exactly how substantial her relationships with other children were and that she must miss that so much.
I explained to her that we could pray for all the other children to get Mommys and Daddys. I told her some of the children would be coming to America this summer. Then she crying saying that if V came to America how would she ever move all of her things to live with him, her bed is so heavy. No joke, that is what she said.
So Tim and I did our best to appease some of her concern. He explained to her that she could learn to speak Russian and English like him, good job Tim.

Exciting times in the life of Anastasia

Things are going really well. We have not backed down once when we say no, and she seems to understand that no means no and it has stopped most of the tantrums. She did have one fit on Saturday because Cody had something she wanted. She asks me a million times a day what belongs to who. She will point to something and ask "eta Cody's?" It's an obsession everything must have an owner, it can't just be!!!

She has her first doctor's appt tomorrow, just a general well check. She does not like the doctor, so we'll see how it goes. She will occasionally ask me when we get in the car, "no doctor?"

I called the specialist today that I want to do her surgery. She needs muscle lengthening. Traditional muscle lengthening consists of small slices in the muscle.
The procedure we want her to have is referred to as "PERCS", percutanious, something, something. There are 2 surgeons who do it, Dr. Nuzzo in New Jersey, he "invented" it, and he taught Dr. Yngve in Galvestion TX.
I called the office today, he is on vacation, but he is supposed to call me Monday or Tuesday next week. He will ask me questions concerning her over the phone to determine if she is a candidate. If she is and if our insurance will pay for it, then we will make an appt. She would have consult with him, then surgery the next day. I'm not sure how far out they book these appts., but how exciting is that!!
Several of the reason we choose this procedure is:
Instead of "slices", it is a series of small holes, kind of how you poke meat with a fork to tenderize it.
This makes a huge difference in the amount of scar tissue that builds up.
Also the recovery time is very short in comparison, I don't even think there is a hospital stay.
This surgery could change her life, she would no longer be stuck walking on her toes, and hopefully she would be able to balance better. I am so excited at what a life changing procedure this could be for her!

Today

So far today is going much better. We have not gone anywhere which does not make her happy. Everything has been easily calmed down today, whatever the issue may be. She tried to convince me that she couldn't get dressed by herself because she couldn't get her night gown off. I just told her you take if off like a shirt, then sent her back to room, she came out dressed in just a few minutes. Then we hung her name banner that our friends made for our welcome home. I let her choose where she wanted to hang it in her room. She demanded a sandwich about an hour after she ate breakfast. The overeating is still an issue. I set the timer in the kitchen and told her she could have one when it beeped. That worked great, she did not say "mommy eat" 200 times like usual.
She was still begging for snacks after lunch even though she ate her lunch and a snack, so I have made a bowl of apples and bananas on the counter that she can help herself to, This gives her some control over the issue. She did get an apple and eat it, she sat next to me at the computer while I did several things and made some phone calls. She was being rather non-demanding!
We also did "school" today, we are going to focus on 2 letters a day. She soaked that up, she is all about school!
Right now she is sitting next to me practicing her cutting skills with her scissors.
I can only imagine how hard all these transitions are on her, and really she is doing so well considering.

Yesterdays Bad and Ugly

One of our biggest battles right now, is her not wanting to do things she can do. Like putting on her shoes, we have even shown her ways to make it easier. OR getting dressed, we know she did this on her own there, I don't give her a choice, I lay her clothes out and walk out of the room, if she whines I don't go back in, once she has gotten dressed I go in and see if there is anything she is having difficulty with.

So yesterday I had a surprise for her we were going to an indoor play place here to meet up with one of the friends she made while here at Christmas. You would think she would be more cooperative getting out of the house-nope.
She did not want to put on her own socks, so that delayed us, then once I got her shoes on she decided she wanted different shoes, which was a no becuase it takes a good amount of time to get her shoes on. So I left her on the floor in her room pitching a fit and told the boys, "let's go" So she comes out of her room, with one shoe off. She was trying to make a point, so I told her to go sit in the time out chair while the boys went and got in the car. She refused, I had to put her back in the chair 4 times.

Fast forward to later that afternoon.I over hear a little arguement occuring in the livingroom, so I eavesdrop. I hear Cody telling her "how would you feel if we didn't share with you, it would make you feel bad wouldn't it?" He was so calm trying to explain to her. You would never have guessed she has just smacked him across the face!! I talked to her about not hitting and sharing. Sharing is very hard because at the orphanage the other children would tear up her stuff or she would be forced to give things to other children, there was not a lot that was just hers. She thinks everything that is hers is just hers, but everyone should share. So I had her allow the boys to play with several of her things, and then show her how they put them back when they were done. She got grounded off the computer for hitting Cody.
You would think Cody would be mad at her, but no. AT bedtime he joined us in her bed for storytime, he helped me read and was adding in comic relief to make her laugh.

I am super proud of the boys and how they have handled all of the recent adjustments. I have every confidence that with time we will work through these issues. I am certainly up for the challenge!!

Your Fair Warning

So this post comes with a fair warning about the months to come, it ain't gonna be pretty. I have been honest through this whole process and I'm not going to stop now. This part of the process of adoption is the hardest, it's very complex, getting her to attach and bond to us, I started reading and researching months ago, but now fitting it into my parenting style, learning to compromise, etc... My posts will include the good the bad and the ugly. You many not like or agree with my decisions, methods, etc... I am always up for other's thoughts, views, experiences, but please no bashing.
This is what I can tell you, all of her behaviors are "normal" and expected and surprisingly parallel with the stories I hear from other adoptive parents, and milder actually (so far!)

The good: She seems to attaching and bonding well, I have not seen her Mommy shopping like she did before, she seems very confident in the fact that we are her family
She shows all the emotions a child should, happiness, jealousy, sadness, empathy, joy, etc...
She is kind to animals, I think this is a huge telling of overall character
She is now mostly comfortable in the pool in a lifevest, a must since I now have to watch Cooper like a hawk since he is swimming without a lifevest (he taught himself)
She plays well with other children, she prefers girl, but can totally hand with the boys!

Major Meltdown

We had our first major meltdown last night. After dinner I went to the grocery store. She does not like to stay with just Daddy as much as she would like to be with Mommy all the time. But I needed to go. Well on my way home I called to check on things, and Gary put her on the phone. She repeated several time that I needed to drive home now. Haha. Then it happened, Gary told all the kids to get ready for bed, and she mentioned that she was sleeping on the couch tonight.
Last night we set up the huge tent in the living room and the older two slept in there. It's got two rooms, and neither of them wanted so share with Cooper so Cooper slept on the couch, poor Cooper. Well she thought she would get a turn on the couch. I explained that Cooper got to sleep there because they would not share with him. Well by the time I got home she was crying so hard, begging us to sleep on the couch.
She cried and cried, and begged and begged. She refused to calm down so we said it was time for bed. Gary layed with her, as she kicked and screamed, while put the groceries away. Then she said she was calm enough to lay with Mommy. She kept repeating, "Cody 2, Anastasia 1" I thought she was saying that Cody got 2 turns and her only 1. I explained over and over again that Cody was sleeping in his bed tonight that he was not getting 2 turns. Finally she said "Cody and Cooper 2, Mommy and Daddy 2, Anastasia just 1" She is heartbroken that she is the only one who does not sleep in a room with someone else.
She had asked about this before through the translator (when we called her at the orphanage) and I explained that boys and girls don't usually sleep in the same room. to which she replied well we do here. I can explain how heartbroken she is about this. She said it is scary in her room, I told her there is nothing to be scared of, and she said she still sees it in her head. Once she was able to explain to me what was wrong we cuddled and she cried and just told me she loved me. I told her I understood that she missed her friends and sleeping with all the children in the big room.
I have not decided what to do about this yet. Adoption attachment is very complex, and you are really supposed to let them regress. But I have been careful to not let her manipulate a situation. This is the one subject I may bend on. It is her number one worry/issue right now. I may put her mattress in the boys room. She slept fine in the living room when Cody was in there with her. Will she sleep in her room alone-yes. Do I think it may be bad for our bonding if I let her deep fear and worry continue-yes. So we'll see. I do lay with her every night. It is a great bonding time, we talk, practice English, cuddle, etc...
I posted for advice on FRUA a huge adoption board and they attacked me saying I do need to baby her and why wouldn't I, on and on. I don't need that here, so please don't post anything unless you have true advice