Worst Punishment Ever

So since she cut her hair, I was not going to reward her by taking her to the salon like I had planned. So she got a home haircut ala Mom.

What is an AFO?

These are pictures of Anastasia's AFOs, they had many different patterns to choose from, and in her defense the butterflies truly were the cutest. This week they will add hinges so she can bend at the ankle. She needed to build a little strength first.

The Trues

We had our first little lesson in truth and lies today. This was Anastasia's first complete day without me at school. Cody woke up with a sore throat. Gary took the younger 2 to school so I could stay with Cody and get him to the doctors. The last time she had most of the day at school to herself, she choose not to eat any of her sandwich at lunch and only at the snacks and dessert, then told the teacher she had no snack, haha, testing the reigns of independence and freedom of choice.
So overall it seems her first day totally without me went great. Until my eyes settled on her pretty little face and noticed that there was a chunk of hair missing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen we have a hair cutter!! Honestly I felt a little honored I mean as a boy Mom I may have never gotten to deal with this, but it seems every little girl deals her hand into a little hair chopping.
So I figured I'd give her a chance to out herself. My first thought was, well maybe she has no clue that this would not be acceptable. So I asked her, "Did you cut your hair" Of course she said no. "Mmm, I think you did, look at that piece right there."
At this point her teacher asked her, I mean that's who she owed the truth to really, it was on her clock that she cut her hair! And out came a big old creative whopper out of my precious daughter's mouth. " I was cutting a paperwork and I cut my hair, I not mean to" Her teacher expressed to her that she hoped she was telling the truth because if not she would have to take her scissors away from her like she does the other children when they do something they shouldn't with their scissors. But that was her story and she was sticking to it!! I even let her know that if she told me the truth that the punishment would be little but if she told me another lie that it would be big, and she choose to stick by her lie.
How I wished she had told the truth because I missed her while she was away all day, that is the longest I've been away from her. I just wanted to kiss her squishy cheeks I didn't want to have to deal out punishments and teach a lesson on telling the truth.
So when we got home she choose to stay by her lie, and laugh about it! Oh boy!
So she got 2 punishments, one was writing her teacher a letter to apologize.
And of course we had a long talk about lies and truth. Due to the language barrier, lies were explained as fake, and truth is what really happened. I know she knew that cutting her hair was wrong, she hid the evidence! She admitted to that. However it seemed to me she did not understand how wrong lying really is. Lying is a federal offense in my house, DO NOT DO IT!
Before bed she told me she did not want to make bad choices anymore and can I please tell her how to stop. I told her what a good girl she is (she truly is) and that sometimes we make bad choices, everyone, and that we need to try harder, and next time she needs to tell me the truth no matter what. I explained to her that God wants us to make good choices and when we don't he gets sad. I have to tread God lessons lightly because she is having a hard time understanding. She asked if I could lay in bed with her and talk because she had lotsa lotsa trues to tell me.
We love laying in bed talking. We used to do it so much more before school started.
I think saddly she learned something today that maybe has not been reinforced in her before.

Pictures I Took Forever Ago and Never Posted

One of my goals this week is to catch up on picture posting. I took these several months ago, I know pitiful. But I love them and wanted to share them with you. They really do look related by blood, and in the pictures you can truly tell that they are related in their hearts.

Just Waiting to Pull the Plug

So today Russia came up again.
She said under her breath, "I want to go see Russia soo bad",,,"I mean, never mind"
Me-, "I am excited to go visit Russia with you when you get bigger too, it will be so much fun"
Her, "I'm not being mean Mommy, me not hurting your feelings"
Me, "I know baby"

Her, "I KNOW (like she has got the best idea that will solve the entire returning to Russia issue), when you die I can go back to Russia"
Me, "Well, you will probably be an adult when Mommy dies"
Her, "OK"
Me, "So what would you do there"
Her, "I would live"
Me, "with who"
Her, "the Desky Dom"
Me, "You cannot live at the Desky Dom, they are for children, and your Desky Dom is for children who are younger than 8, so you could not live there"
Her, "I will work then and make money."
Me, "if you work there you will have to learn Russian again"
Her, "Oh, OK, I mean, maybe not, I don't know"

Me, "What about Daddy, Cody, and Cooper, they will be big, but they would miss you"
Her, "Mommy, I'm not trying to be mean"

Me, "I know" (In my head, "that is why it is so sad")
Me, "How about if you go there for a couple days, stay in a hotel, visit, then you can come back"
Her, "OK, maybe"
Me, "Can I come with you, I really loved Russia and I would love to visit it again."
Her, "Sure"

It would be so much easier if she were yelling these things at me because she was mad about doing her homework. Do you understand?

We are stressing over and over again, in many ways, books being one of them. That we love her forever, she is stuck with us forever, she is our daughter forever.

Even in a conversation unrelated to Russia, she said something about when she grows up and gets married she will miss me. After conversation I realized she thinks that would mean I am all done being her Mommy. She thinks us Mommies are temporary, why wouldn't she? Breaks my heart.

Some people misunderstood my last post about attachment. I was not saying look at all we've done for her and see how ungrateful she is, I am saying look at all we've done for her and she does not understand we love her yet. We do not feel as if we "saved" Anastasia. We added her to our family. Because her special needs are of a huge focus and take a lot of work sometimes I think this is how it seems to some people, understandably. I have come to realize in the past several weeks that she has very little understanding what a family is. How long with that take? I don't know. And unfortunatly there have been things that were told to her that are making things harder. Such as America made her sick and then she went back to the Desky Dom and made all the other people sick-all America's fault. And someone told her that she must not stay in America because we have pigs that make us sick and she will get sick.

Attachment is complicated, but here is what I think, I think she is attached to us, but I don't think even she understands what that means. I think with time her attachment will normalize and she will understand, but only time will make that happen. Here is what I know, we are attached to her, it is different than attaching to a bio child that you have carried and birthed. It is a different process, fully as special, and more complicated, but an unconditional love for sure.

But on a more comical note, if ever there is someone debating on wether or not to pull my plug, just make sure my daughter has not already booked her flight to Russia.

Bye Bye Casts!!!

We are so excited! Anastasia gets her casts off tomorrow. It was going to be Friday, but they moved it up. We will go in at 8:30 to have them removed, impressions made for the AFOS (leg braces) and then go back t 3:30 to pick up the AFOS.
She is excited but a little scared of the unknown. She will probably relapse some. She has never had to use her ankles before because her tendons were so tight. But within several weeks I expect her to be walking with no walker and much better than she ever has. I will post pictures after she gets her AFOS, as I know several of you still are not sure exactly what I'm talking about.

Holding Out

So I've been holding on posting becuase I couldn't decide if I was going to post about something that had happened. You've probably noticed there's not much I'm shy about posting, I've been very real with you. However you are.
Those of you fanatic adopters probably know all about "attachment" many of us researched it before we adopt, some after, some never, whatever, but at some point it is an issue or a wondering. I wonder if she trusts me, I wonder if she knows what she is saying when she says she loves me,etc... And you know what, I think the children go through the same wonderings. Anastasia still asks sometimes, "Mommy, You I love Me?" Up until last Friday if you had asked me if I thought she was securely attached to us, I would have said yes.
So last Friday we were making up some cards for the orphanage, one of our friends is leaving for their first trip for another little girl from Anastasia's orphanage. They live right down the street, by coincedence, it's not like we have a "Let's adopt from the same orphanage club"
I knew it was going to make for some sort of an issue, because anytime she sees pictures of the little boy "V" she gets very upset. Remember, he's waiting for her, he loves her, etc....
So this brought up the question, "Mommy when I'm bigger I can go back to Russia to visit, right" "Yes Anastasia we will go back and visit, it will be fun"
"Good Mommy, I want to visit the Desky Dom (orphanage) and maybe play for a while."
"Ok, we can do that" I replied
"ACTUALLY, I want to go back now, and not come back, I want to stay in Russia"
She used to say things like that to us, to tease us, and we would tease back, alright we'll go get your suitecase, we'll see you when you get back, etc.... But it's been a while since it came up, because we always talk with her about visiting there later.
Cooper was sitting with us and he got very upset, he jumped up and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You can't go back, I love you"
To which she said, "it's ok Cooper, I will send you a present" At this point she sounded so serious that I thought she must be kidding, (if that makes sense)
I told her I would cry if she went to Russia and never came back, she said "it's Ok Mommy, don't cry" I tried to explain to her that if she stayed in the Desky Dom she would not have a Mommy and Daddy or brothers. She said she knew that, but she still wanted to go back. I wasn't really sure what to make out of all of what she was saying. But we needed to hop in the car and take the cards over to our friends house, so just her and I went, I figured we could talk more on our way home.
Well, we get to our friends house, they open the door, and she shouts out, "Guess what I'm going back to Russia forever!"

THUD......(that was heart)

Me, slightly embarrased, competely heartbroken, "No sweety, we can go back later for a visit, but you cannot go back by yourself, we are my daughter"
Her, "No, it's OK Mommy, I am going"

What the ???????

Our friend was giving us some clothes that would not fit her future daughter, Anasastasia turned to me and said, "why are taking these dressed when I won't be here"

Really, it this happening???

Once we leave there I am about in tears. I explain to her that she really is not going back to Russia for good, that she our daughter forever. She is really mad at me, saying she will send me a present and she will miss me. No really Anastasia, you are making Mommy sad, you are part of our family, you cannot go back to Russia. But I miss my friends Mommy. Yes, I understand that Anastasia, but those friends are not always going to be there, some will get Mommies and Daddies, and some will get older and go to different Desky Doms. She says it's Ok Mommy I still want to go.
By this time, I am so hurt by what seems to be true hard evidence that the child that I have bathed, fed, drove 2 days to have surgery, done physical therapy with everday, spend 24/7 with at school, has not attached to me at ALL!! I mean what else does she need as evidence that we are here for HER, that we love her, that we are dedicated to her. When we come home I tell her to got to her room to think about things for a little while, and that Mommy needs to be by herself for a little while. This was done very kindly, not as a punishment. Gary and I talk about it privately, then call her in. I felt it very important to emphasize 2 things to her, 1. being that we are her Mommy and Daddy forever, just like we are Cody and Cooper's forever and that we love her, and 2. That she hurt my feelings and that I cried. Sounds harsh, but it's reality.
She had no tears. But we eventually got down to the root of the issue at hand.
Her rational is, That children do not die, and parents do.
She said, "If I stay here, you are just going to die"
I can't promise to my children that I'm not going to die, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to die for a very long time. She said, "Ya, when you have white hair you will die, I don't want you to die"
I think most of the attachment issues she is having, it for that very reason, she thinks at any moment I could die, there is no reason to attach to me.
Soon I will seek counseling for her, I think this would be good, and much needed.
She loved life in the Desky Dom, I will never deny that. But she was also happy to leave there, they said they never saw I child so eager to leave.

So everday, both Gary and I throw in a couple extra I love yous, and make an effort to tell her at least once a day, "I am your Mommy forever" or "I am your Daddy forever"

She told me that next day that she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she will never say she wants to leave again. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did and that my feelings were just fine now. And of course, that she is stuck with me forever.